Growing up means realising you won't get everything you want

He spent the weekend here for my housemate's birthday party. I'm unexpectedly flying up to Canberra on Thursday and Friday after my exam on Wednesday.

My plan to get him drunk didn't work out. We were tired after partying all afternoon and there were many people at the cocktail party so not so many cocktails were made. But that is by the by.

Its funny... I had set myself boundaries... I shall not do this and I shall not do that... and consequently forgot to allow myself to do things. It took me a while on Friday night to think about what I was and was not going to do.

I didn't crawl into bed with him on any of the mornings he was here and I won't do that when I am up in Canberra later this week. I allowed myself to be affectionate with him, but not in any pushy way and at times would let him be.

This morning I sat him down before he was about to leave and told him some things. He was a bit scared about what they were going to be, but I told him he didn't need to respond, only to listen. The things I had rehersed in my head vanished - as they are wont to do, and so I just spoke plainly.

I told him that I was sorry that I had been so stupid recently and that I was no longer going to wait for him to change his mind and that I would move on. I told him that I was going to stop causing myself pain and ripping my heart in two. He told me that he'd been telling me this for a while. I said that I felt that I had been receiving mixed messages or had been misinterpreting things. He replied that I probably had been misinterpreting things. I don't know, but it will do for now.

He then told me that he'd give me a hug and pulled me to my feet and gave me a big, long hug. I told him that I'd still love him because there was a lot to love and that that wouldn't go away.

So, I'm moving on. I don't know what this will actually mean for my feelings for him. Right now I feel sad and about to cry. Letting go can be a hard thing, but I think it will cause me far less pain than I have put myself through in the past couple of months.

I can still hope that perhaps some time in the future things will change, but if they don't I still have a friend who I love dearly.

Obsession

Not the scent, but me. I'm beginning to realise how much I am obsessing, and I find this to be unhealthy... not just because it means that I am spending emotional energy on things that I cannot change, but also because there is so much other love in my life that tends to get... not ignored but something similar. My husband is truely wonderful, he puts up with my depression, loves me unconditionally and is by my side wanting me to be happy and wishing me success.

I need to take more control of this and regain some personal power. I've given everything to the other man, and he may not consciously know it, but he wields a lot of power over me. So now it is time to stand up on my own feet again, gain some distance and be myself and not the shadow I fear that I have become. The ball is well and truely in his court. I've offered and done just about everything that I am comfortable and able to do so far. Now, I'll just be the friend who is interested and slowly back down.

I know that I generally grieve for a couple of weeks after we've spent time together, and I am happy for that to continue. But grieving on my own terms, not this mess of feelings that is currently sitting in my heart. It doesn't help that I'll be seeing him three times this month due to work and other personal arrangements. That has made the whole grieving process odd as it hasn't been two weeks between visits, so far a week and then 10 days.

He drives down on Friday to visit and spend time at my house-mate's birthday cocktail party... and BBQ if the weather is nice. I still plan to get him drunk and see what happens. But the rest of the time I'll be strong and take back the some of the power I've given him. How, I'm not quite sure, but most likely involving not climbing into his bed and snuggling with him in the morning.

He knows that if he ever finds a girlfriend that I'll walk out of his life until either she invites me back into it or the relationship breaks down. I am getting more and more tempted, despite the pain it will cause, to find someone for him - to break through the shell of self sufficiency he has built up around himself and maybe (hopefully) to realise what could have been. Maybe he'll be perfectly happy and it won't matter. If he is that far out of reach, then there is nothing I can do.

Its all annoying and confusing.

On another note, he is the poem I wrote after I went to bed the other night (after I wrote the last entry). Its about my hsuband not being home when I needed him.

Lost

I rang you and
you didn't answer so
I called another number and
you weren't there

I had a shower to
wash out the worry but
it didn't work so
I got dressed

I paced up and down the
corridor of my house wondering
how I would find you when
I needed you the most

I fell asleep waiting for
you to come home and
give me the comfort I
desperately craved

I woke up finding
myself wrapped in your arms your
love surrounding me and
making me safe

Ouch

So little time and so much has happened. But lets start with the big painful bit. It doesn't hurt now, but I am predicting it will hurt tomorrow after it has sunk in. Right now I'm tired and annoyed and still analysing what was said. So to the conversation...

Me: But you love me anyway right?
Him: Mmmaybe
Me: You already told me that you loved me.
Him: When?
Me: We were lying on the futon once when you visited, my husband was with his boyfriend and I asked you if you loved me and you said you did. You also said that I should tell my husband's boyfriend that you were silly for not doing anything.
Him: I don't remember that.
Me: Well, do you love me?
Him: Yes, but not the same way you love me. But you already knew that.

Did I already know that? I don't know. Maybe in my deepest subconscious I did. Maybe this is why nothing has happened. I suppose it could all go back to the fact that nothing has happened between us but affection and recently he has begun to withdraw, or I've begun to withdraw... I don't know.

I do know that I am confused and currently grumpy. What I want appears to be so far out of reach it may as well be on the moon. I don't know whether I should just give up or sit and wait patiently. I don't know what his true feelings are. He doesn't make enough sense.

He did keep the letter I wrote for him, and he initiated some affection, calling me a silly woman at the same time.

I went up there, apart from the whole work thing, with one objective in mind. I wanted to tell him, and I did, to stop telling me that I'm silly for a) falling in love with him and b) liking him. I told him that saying that hurts my feelings and its all wrong anyway because there is a lot to like in him. He said he'd think about it. Which is his way of avoiding the issue. I took him to task several times while I was visiting over it. I am NOT silly, unfortunate yes, silly no.

Tonight, with the help of an email from poetry.com, I was encouraged to write some sappy poetry. Don't blame me, blame the people at poetry.com.

Needing

I sit stunned
Your words barely penetrating
How could you say this to me?
I who have loved you for so long.

Slowly the world moves again
Pieces regaining form
My heart resumes its beat
Time flows
And perhaps the wounds will heal

Maybe I can wait longer
Can I wait for ever
Or will the constant yearning tear me apart?
You love me
But not as I love you

The week just gone has been a big one. I spent the first half of it depressed as I was missing him. Then I had a very grumpy day and suddenly got over it all. The fact that I was flying up to visit him again on the weekend probably had a lot to do with it.

On Thursday... um... nothing much happened. On Friday I had a massage and told my therapist about my week and my personal realisation that I need to be lot more honest to myself and others about how I feel. She was very impressed that I had come to this realisation and gave me a hug. We spoke about my almost other man and she said that I really needed to find another lover to distract myself... well that is what I thought she meant.

I came home, I was feeling a bit sick (I now have a cold) and randy. My husband told me that his boyfriend was coming around and I was a bit frustrated that I couldn't boff him (my husband). I thought about joining them and thought and thought. Eventually I decided that I would. I was very randy and eventually wandered in.

Lets just say that walking naked into a room where you are only 100% sure that ONE of the people in the room finds your naked form attractive/appealing/desirable and you don't have any idea about the other, is very very daunting. However, from the moment I was spotted, I was told that I was gorgeous, brave and beautiful. It was very affirming and gratifying. I did that solely for myself. I knew that the other two would be happy and pleased that I had done it, but I walked in there because I wanted to. I wasn't pressured or cajoled into walking into that room. I don't know if I will do it again.

Well, that was a bit unexpected....

Last night I came home from work feeling a bit queasy. My husband had to go to my sister's house to collect a few things, so I took my work shirt off, leaving my black singlet top, black pants and black socks on. I read my email and did a few other things online.

When my husband came home, we went and snuggled. We ended up making love, which was a good thing given my absense from home. Before we actually started he read me an erotic story called "Cartographers of Desire". It was about a gay man realising he was bi and his relationship opening up to include his new girlfriend. A sweet and very well written erotic story.

Anyway... we boffed, it was wonderful, and my orgasm was beautiful... and then followed by heart rending sadness. My husband just grabbed me and wrapped himself around me while I cried. I didn't expect to be so sad, especially after such a beautiful moment. My husband said that had he thought of it he would have realised that I would have been sad.

The constant farewells are wearing me down. I love spending time with my "almost other man", as I called him the other day when telling a friend where I'd been over the weekend, but I don't like leaving him to go home, although seeing my husband again is a wonderful thing too. I just wish he'd move to Melbourne so I could see him regularly and not hurt each time we separated.

I put my sad away in a box and tucked it up in a high corner of my mind. When I can't deal with the real issues of the sadness, sometimes dwelling on it makes it worse. The last time I put my sad in a box and put it away, I had to keep putting it back there with stronger and stronger methods of keeping the box from opening or being opened. It was hard, but eventually it stayed put and I left it there until I could deal with it when I got home.

I don't know how to deal with the cause of this bout of sadness. I don't know whether I should tell him how sad I was, speak the things we've left unsaid and dare his grumpiness or just be patient and wait and see. He's empathic, at least with me, and can read me well enough to know when I'm feeling a bit down or sad. After I wrote my last entry I reread over the one before and got a bit sad because I felt stupid. He noticed very quickly and asked me what was up. I told him, he didn't deny that I was pushing him slightly or stuff... I let it go.

I still have some lingering sadness in my heart despite the box being secure and out of reach. I usually take two weeks to get over the separation. It may be that I give myself two weeks to get over it. But this time I see him again on Sunday night, and then 10 days after I fly home as he's said that he'll come down for my house-mate's birthday party/cocktail party. I have half formed plans to fly to visit my sister via Canberra so I can see him around his birthday... but as I said, those plans are half formed, and he wants to veto them anyway.

Things of note that happened while I was up visiting him in Canberra:

1. We spoke of what would happen if he ever got another girlfriend. As most women would not deal well with the connection that is between us, I told him that I would walk away and let the relationship be what it was. He understood that. We didn't talk about how much this would hurt either of us.
2. We briefly spoke about how his refusal to agree to a massage was silly... well I said it was silly and he said he didn't 'need' it. He then told me that I could tell my masseause and my husband's boyfriend how he was being silly. I told them that they already knew. He eventually agreed to be massaged (nothing else) and was very happily relaxed when I finished about 15 minutes later. He later said that I shouldn't spoil him. I said that I'd spoil him as much as I wanted to and that he didn't believe that he should be spoilt because he didn't like himself. Something changed the topic which he gratefully accepted.
3. He encouraged me to pursue a girl who has expressed a vague interest in me, have sex or a threesome with my husband's boyfriend and be freer sexually, I guess that is the best way I can put it. I don't know if he believes that this will make what I feel for him less special, or make me less special. I'm unsure about his motivation here, and I want to explore that more.

Sunday... I'll remain focussed on travelling up on Sunday and see how brave I can be.

Conflicting Counsel

Before I travelled up here to be with him again, I received conflicting counsel from two friends. The first one said, "Just grab him and do him" and the second one said, "Wait". It took me a while to work through both of these. There is merit in both, but I need an approach that isn't going to kill the friendship and foce him to reject me outright, which would also kill me.

So the more cautious approach is the wait, but I don't want to wait here, sitting dumb, saying or doing nothing. So I push, gently, ending up at the same place each time. He knows that I love him, he knows that I care, but he... well I don't really know what he knows and thinks about himself. I know that he loves me, but he has problems with the whole poly thing, and that is where his issues lie.

Currently The Whitlams song, Ease of the Midnight Visit, is ringing true to me.... which isn't such a good thing as it is a very sad song.

Its not enough to be in love wth you
I want to be loved too
Yeah thats the ease of the midnight visit
Takes a leap of faith that you might be alone
Whens a fool like me gonna drive straight home?

So I'm stil sitting here at square three or two or something and not moving beyond that. I've joked with James that I should get him drunk and then kiss him... and that is still a viable option. I don't know how he'd feel about that the next day. I certainly wouldn't mind, unless he blamed me... and then I'd be grumpy at him being grumpy at me. But I don't think he's that type of guy. Maybe that would be all it would take. A simple kiss when he is relaxed and his inhibitions are down. Maybe then he'd say yes... or maybe he'd say it was a mistake.

Time will tell... and I have the rest of my life to wait and figure it out.