Thursday, March 24, 2005

Ho Hum...

Ok... Despite promising not to talk to him about the email I mentioned to him that I'd told my husband about the first part of the email (via email).

The transcript is as follows:

Him: Sheesh
Me: What sheesh?
Him: nice and awkward
Me: sorry... not really awkward... he was surprised but doesn't seem to care.... I wasn't 100% forthright with him though... I suppose I should stop talking about this now though hmm?
Him: probably, because its awkward and complicated and I can't give you what you want

I replied with something along the lines of...

I don't know what I want. I want to continue being friends with you and I'm happy being with you. You can't miss what you've never had.

So, I have no fucking idea what to do next. He may or may not respond. My trip to visit him at the end of April is going to be potentially very awkward, or very good. He's got a month to sort himself out and think about what he wants. I've got the same time to try and figure that out for myself.

I feel a bit sad that he responded that he can't give me what I want. But as I've stated, I don't know what I really want anyway.

I really need to have lower standards.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Assume makes an ass out of you and me

Grrr... blogger error loses my whole post... Must remember to press "Save as Draft" next time.

Anyway, in brief - because I don't want to retype 200 words or so - he hadn't read the email message I referred to in the previous post. I only discovered this later that day and reacted quite badly to this news. He refused to read the email or discuss it until after I left, so it didn't leave me many opportunities.

We snuggled a lot, including me crawling under the covers in his bed on a couple of the mornings. I flirted quite outragously, won many games of Scrabble (go me) and felt loved. He didn't kiss me (except when I left) , but let me wander around with him hand in hand (except when at work - which is ok), hug him very frequently and to give him a massage.

I told him that I loved him during this trip up north, and I don't know what he thinks of that as he deflected the conversation away very quickly... but didn't back away from me physically or emotionally.

He's admitted to me that he is generally a closed person who feels silly talking about his feelings, however this time he showed me around the places of his childhood - his school, earlier homes and other places that were special to him.

I don't honestly know what is going to happen next. I know he's read my email now, and as I put all that stuff in it about not having to deal with it unless he wants to, I'm kinda stuck. What do I do now? I want to talk to him about it, but I can't do it over email... Oh well.

And in other news, I told my husband (on our anniversary no less) that I did have feelings for the other man. He was surprised, but when I explained that I didn't love the other man like I loved him and that I loved him more than a good friend... he seemed ok. It hasn't come up in conversation yet.

So... who knows what will happen next.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Its been a while

Its been a while since I've posted. There are a few reasons for that. The first is that I was waiting for possible fall-out for this email I sent to the other man...

Thanks for coming down for my birthday. I really appreciate your willingness to drive down to Melbourne to spend time with me. *hugs*

I know that you are uncomfortable talking about your feelings/thoughts and both our shyness (is that a word?) also doesn't help when things need to be said.

Anyway, I want to tell you two things.... you probably already know them both, I know you're not stupid, but I want to spell them out a bit better so I know you know and hopefully understand. I do find you very hard to read. I don't want you to feel that you have to do anything with this information and I don't want you to feel obliged to act upon it in any way.

The first is that I love you. As strange as that sounds for someone who is married, I know I have the capacity (and I've known this for ages and ages) to love more than one person at once. Some people can and others can't. I fell in love with you about 2 years ago when[my husband] was going through his worst in relation to his depression. You were so good to me, so considerate and understanding that my consideration for your friendship moved further. Its not something that can be turned off once it happens and I'm happy to let it lie.

[my husband] doesn't know that I have feelings for you. Well he *may* know, but he's never asked me directly. I haven't wanted to tell him for two reasons. The first being that I hadn't yet told you and the second that I don't want him to feel that my love for him has been diluted (which it hasn't). We've had the conversation about me being able to love more than one person at once and he not on several occasions, so he know's that it is possible, and he could put two and two together and get the correct answer if he put his mind to it. I think he doesn't want to be confronted with it and/or doesn't think that it is an issue. But with many things in our relationship, we will talk it through should it ever become one.

The second is that I want you. This is partly related to the above as well. You may remember several months ago that James told me that I wanted to boff you then he would have no objections. When he first told me that he would not object I thought it was weird, but then we *really* talked about it - all the possibilities and problems that could arise. We talked through the whole thing hundreds of times. You've said that you don't want the complication, and I will respect that. I want to reassure you, that James is not going to object to me and you if you ever change your mind. I am very attracted to you. You are certainly *my* type of guy. As I said, this is for your information and so I know that this is clear between us. You don't need to respond to this email, we can act as if it was never written if that is what you want.... or we can sit down some time and discuss it at length. I will not pressure you and will value your friendship as much as I ever have. *hugs*

That email was sent mid-February. I am fairly certain he's read it. Though I have no guarentees. If I could have put a receipt on it, I would have, but that's not really manners.

We continued chatting as we always had, and it seemed like nothing much had changed. He said at the end of that visit that he wouldn't have the money to come down and visit until probably sometime in April, and when a work trip came up that coincided with a long weekend, I jumped at the opportunity to come up and visit him, without my husband, to see what would happen.

So here I am, on the last full day we have together, wondering what the fuck I do next. I am very randy, which doesn't help at all, and I really really want him.

I've been advised by a friend of my husband's to just sit him down, straddle him and tell him that I want him, that he'd find it hard with a randy woman on top of him to resist. That's not really me, but the direct approach is the only one I have left.

I don't know what he wants, and that is a problem. I've just spent close to an hour snuggling with him in his bed. He in boxers and me in my black satin dressing gown (with nothing underneath). I told him I liked him and he said something about "all your boyfriends". Which I clarified, or attempted to, that although there are many other men interested in me, I'm not interested in them... except for him. Though on reflection that probably didn't come across too well.

But, I am being a lot more direct.

He's finished his shower now, so I am going to have to stop posting and continue trying... who knows, I might even get what I want.