There are very few monumentally stupid things you can do in your life which are legal, non leathal and no one else will know about.
I happen to have done one of them. I am married, not quite happily at the moment, more on that to follow, and have fallen in love with another person.
I consider myself to be quite open and loving. I exist in a mostly closed marriage, my husband is bisexual and will stray into his own gender, but there have been no affairs. I consider myself able to love more than one person at a time, and that in part, is why I am in my current predicament.
My husband has been suffering major depression since August 2002. He would have down periods and then bouce back, and then get depressed for longer and bounce back for a shorter period, so on until he was almost beyond suicidally depressed in March 2003.
In March, I was at the end of my coping ability. I didn't know what else to do. My husband realised that I was no longer coping and in fear of losing our 7 years of marriage, went and saw his local GP for a referral to a Psychartrist. He was put on anti-depressants and an appointment was arranged for him.
The anti-depressants made him dopey and sleepy and things calmed down in my household. A couple of weeks after he started taking the medication, the effects were beginning to show. He was happy and cheerful, he was helping around the house - life was good.
Then the medication he was taking stopped working. The past three weeks have been a roller coaster. His mood deterioated severely and he again became chronically depressed and suicidal. I didn't want to experience the same hurt I had experienced on so many occasions previously so I kinda shut down. A male friend was visiting during a weekend in that period, one whom I am quite fond of and have some attchment too. I began to wonder what life would be like with this other person.
That was bad enough, but when the weekend immediately after this person's visit my husband hit rock bottom again, I wanted to be anywhere else but where I was. I was emotionally vulnerable, my male friend is also to some extent having ended a long distance relationship, and I would have done anything to escape. My husband was suicidal and was telling me that if his life hadn't improved by the end of the year he would certainly kill himself. He kept telling me that I deserve better and should find someone else that would take better care of me.
The problem is, when you keep telling someone something like that eventually they are going to seriously consider it. And given that I was again at the end of my coping ability, I considered it.
I promised that I would never leave my husband, and I don't think I will, but I have let myself fall in love with another man, and I can't do a thing about it.
Telling him would ruin the friendship. NO matter that I think he also feels the same for me. I have been skirting this issue with him for a week and he's been responding in kind. If I approached him directly it would require the friendship to change in its dynamic.
So, I can't admit these feelings I hold to anyone. A bit of a bind.