Wednesday, July 30, 2003


I spent the weekend with my parents. My husband was there too. They discovered that he is saving to go to the US. They knew this conceptually.... but they didn't understand that ALL of his earnings are going towards his trip. I have been supporting my husband for several years now. My parents think that its unfair that he is working and saving ALL his money and not sharing any of it with me given that I have been looking after him for so long.

My mother did this in the least tactful way possible. She expressed her disappointment at my husband and told him what she thought he should be doing. My father rang me tonight, hoping that I wouldn't be home when he rang, and told me that he is also horrified, but that was his opinion, and he understood that my husband and I have sorted out and arrangement. I went throught the arrangement briefly with my father. Basically, when my husband's studies are finished and he is working full time, I get to do those things I want to do and that I thought that my husband's trip to the US and the saving he is doing is an important part of his recovery from his depression.

Yes the trip is selfish... but if he could have earnt the money, I would be going too. Not that I want to go to the US.

For me its really about the fact that my husband is working and sticking to it despite the ups and downs. What he does with the money is not really an issue. I do earn enough for both of us... when we reign in our spending. And I expect that my husband will "pay me back" in the future.

My parents may have my interests at heart, or what they think my interests are, but I don't have any problems at all in supporting my husband financially. I like working, I like being needed. When I get to return to study and become a mother, then my husband can be the breadwinner.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

My husband's job is going well. This is a good thing because he's saving up to the US (see earlier). One of the people he is seeing is a "poly amourous" woman. I'm kinda friends with her as well. She is the only woman I know who thinks that I am sexy. Therefore, I think she's ok. She sent me this email...

I have a favor to ask. It's a big favor, and an odd favor.

Before I get to the asking, please understand that I thoroughly respect you and [your husband], and your union. I would not do anything to jeopardize that union. I asked [your husband's] permission before composing this request, and he said that though he did not believe you would go for it, he did not think that such a request could in any way damage the wonderful relationship that you two have. I really dig that. I'm glad you two have such strength in your togetherness.

Here's my situation. As [your husband] probably told you, I'm polyamorous. (my boyfriend) is poly to a degree as well, but this is a new relationship and we're feeling it out with one another. I love him very, very much, so going slow with this is of paramount importance to me. He and I have discussed how to begin with exploring this, and we agree that we want to play with someone together, and preferably with someone we don't see all the time. That this person has to be someone to whom we're both attracted and with whom we both feel comfortable goes without saying. Also, since he and I are both wired to be attracted only to intelligent and funny people, we're seriously limiting our options.

We have already extended [your husband] the offer of staying with us for a few days when he's here in the US. That offer is because I seriously want to hang out with [your husband] in a purely platonic way, and has absolutely nothing to do with this request. If you say no, [your husband] will still be welcome to stay with us, and we'll have plenty of good, CLEAN fun. If you say no, you need not fear that I will push boundaries. I will respect the ground rules that are set. For that matter, if you say yes, you still need not fear that I will push boundaries. Whatever ground rules are created are what will be observed, to the letter.

So, as you have most definitely deduced by now, my request is that you allow [your husband] to play with us, if the situation should arise. There are many factors that would have to work for it to happen, even if you grant permission, but negotiation can only be done assuming that all things are equal. That means that we assume that [my boyfriend] and [your husband] are attracted to one another, [your husband] and I are still attracted to one another in person, and [my boyfriend] and I are completely comfortable with taking the step in our relationship when the time comes. There are a gajillion other factors, but those are the biggies. So, if all those are 'yes', the last remaining thing is your permission.

Now, like I said, you can set whatever ground rules you wish. [your husband] and I figured that even if you say yes, you'll be stipulating that play can only occur if [my boyfriend] is involved. There would not be any play with me and [your husband] alone. That's perfectly acceptable and understandable. Whatever other stipulations you would want to make would be equally acceptable.

Lastly, I want you to know that the ideal situation would have been if you would be coming to the US, too.
I think you rock socks and I would have loved to play with both you and [your husband]. There's always the possibility that some time in the next few years, [my boyfriend] and I will be able to come visit Australia, and maybe that could be negotiated then.

I hope very strongly that you are not offended or made uncomfortable by this request. I very much value my friendship with [your husband], and hope to continue building one with you and I would hate if my friendship with either of you were a source of stress.

Please continue this dialogue with me, and only cc [your husband] if that's what makes you happy. This is between us womenfolk. The men will do whatever we tell them :P

So... now what? My intial thoughts were well, why the hell not. Unfortunately I led my husband to believe that I was likely to say yes. The more I thought about it, the more worried I became at my own thoughts. Basically, if he's allowed to play around (with or without my permission) then I am allowed to play around to (with or without his permission). This means that I am worried that while he was off in he US, I might complicate this love triangle A LOT further.

So I told him the edited version of what I thought. He got a bit upset, more sad, that such an opportunity would be denied to him. We eventually settled on that it isn't fair that he would get to play while I wouldn't. I'm not really feeling ready to move to that stage in our relationship without doing something like that together. We also talked about jealousy and how I'd be jealous of his experience. I know he's still waiting for me to change my mind... but I don't think that is a wise idea.