So what do I want?
When we met this evening at the train station, he cried on my shoulder, telling me that he can never keep friends and that he must be some kind of high maintenance person that no one wants to be friends with.
Things kinda went downhill from there. We spoke on the train and I think I stablised him, then we came home and snuggled. We started wrestling when he tried to tickle me and his glasses got bent. His mood plummeted even further. I tried to comfort him and he told me to leave him alone.
I don't think he realises when he does that that I start to wonder how quickly I could move out and what I could sacrifice to do so. Now, with how things are going between me and the other man, I'd be more likely to move up north and if I did there would be no coming back.
He tells me that I'd be much better off without him, that I deserve someone far better, and my heart is very weary of dealing with this shit and I don't think he is aware of how close I come to walking.
He went to fix his glasses and I suggested that perhaps he should go back on the medication to even out his moods. He doesn't want to, but if he doesn't then I might go. I suppose I should tell him that. I'm not going to put up with everything I have before. I love him, but I have options open to me.
So what do I want? If I go off with the other man and have a "mini-break" and sleep contentedly in his arms, will I ever want to return to this? Could I return to all this?
So my husband was right to ask me to figure out what I want. I think what I currently want is an escape. I can run and hide and never face this again - the coward's option - or I can deal with what is here - sleep in the bed that I've made.
"I've made my bed and I'm going to lie in it, if you don't come, sure going to die in it" - Billy Joel
So, what should I do? I wish the other guy was on-line now so I could chat with him, but after his visit, I'm not that surprised he is lying a little low (apart from the fact that he has computer games to play with) he probably doesn't want to go over stuff with me. He often deflects personal and possibly scary conversations. No need to frighten him further, though I will have to have that conversation with him at some point in the near future.
So, I'm still undecided with what I want. And given that I haven't told either of them my true feelings, though I think the other man knows, I can't talk to either of them fully about it.