Friday, January 07, 2005

So what do I want?

Not good. My husband hit a very down spot last night, as the PC was, and still is, being uncooperative. His depression carried over onto today and this morning he was convinced that no one loved or liked him and that he was destined to be alone forever. Later in the day a friend with whom he'd been close sent him an email which he interpreted as saying that his friend wasn't going to be friends with him anymore. I've later read the email and that is the most pessimistic interpretation that he could have made. Its not surprising that he reached that view given his depression however.

When we met this evening at the train station, he cried on my shoulder, telling me that he can never keep friends and that he must be some kind of high maintenance person that no one wants to be friends with.

Things kinda went downhill from there. We spoke on the train and I think I stablised him, then we came home and snuggled. We started wrestling when he tried to tickle me and his glasses got bent. His mood plummeted even further. I tried to comfort him and he told me to leave him alone.

I don't think he realises when he does that that I start to wonder how quickly I could move out and what I could sacrifice to do so. Now, with how things are going between me and the other man, I'd be more likely to move up north and if I did there would be no coming back.

He tells me that I'd be much better off without him, that I deserve someone far better, and my heart is very weary of dealing with this shit and I don't think he is aware of how close I come to walking.

He went to fix his glasses and I suggested that perhaps he should go back on the medication to even out his moods. He doesn't want to, but if he doesn't then I might go. I suppose I should tell him that. I'm not going to put up with everything I have before. I love him, but I have options open to me.

So what do I want? If I go off with the other man and have a "mini-break" and sleep contentedly in his arms, will I ever want to return to this? Could I return to all this?

So my husband was right to ask me to figure out what I want. I think what I currently want is an escape. I can run and hide and never face this again - the coward's option - or I can deal with what is here - sleep in the bed that I've made.

"I've made my bed and I'm going to lie in it, if you don't come, sure going to die in it" - Billy Joel

So, what should I do? I wish the other guy was on-line now so I could chat with him, but after his visit, I'm not that surprised he is lying a little low (apart from the fact that he has computer games to play with) he probably doesn't want to go over stuff with me. He often deflects personal and possibly scary conversations. No need to frighten him further, though I will have to have that conversation with him at some point in the near future.

So, I'm still undecided with what I want. And given that I haven't told either of them my true feelings, though I think the other man knows, I can't talk to either of them fully about it.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005


Well... welcome to the new year. May 2005 sort the whole mess of my existance out.

He visited again after Christmas and has just left. He spent a week with us, and it was fun. Though I don't know what I am doing precisely. My husband has been encouraging me to ask him to sleep with me... or something similar. Even just to say that I want to sleep with him. Both of which are hard for me. I'm shy, I know I have to make the first move, but am unsure of whether or not that would be welcome. I'm terrified that our friendship could be ruined by my actions and I don't want that either.

So I had planned to say "I really, really like you. I'm interested in boffing you. I understand that you may not wish the added complications that this brings or you may not be interested. That is cool. I just wanted it out in the open."

Given that I have strong feelings for the guy, I couldn't actually bring myself to say that... I thought it was a bit too clinical and cold. I chickened out, with visions of him going very cold on me or being upset.

So this morning I thought that I'd say "I have a confession to make. I want you. I understand that you may not reciprocate that, and that's cool".

Again, I couldn't do it. Instead I said that I had a dilemma. He told me I didn't and said I had "him" (my husband) while pointing in the direction of my bedroom as my husband was still asleep.

So at least I know that he knows that I want him and have feelings for him. Now all I have to do is tell him that my husband doesn't mind if I sleep with him and neither do I... even though he may. My husband, after the other man left, said that maybe my problem is that I haven't figured out exactly what I want from the other man. And I think he's right on that one.

My husband doesn't know that I love the other man as well as him. I know I should tell him, but I don't know how to break that ice either. And maybe I should tell the other man before I tell my husband. Though if this morning is anything to go by he probably has that figured out as well. Its not like I try and hide it. I massage him, kiss his forehead or cheek, hold his hand when we are walking places, snuggle with him and generally play the part of a love-sick teenager. He reciprocates though, which indicates, I hope, that he has feelings for me too.

So I don't know what to do next. I'll see him again in February for my birthday... and then probably for Easter... or there abouts.

I enjoy having him around and flirting with him. My husband was very well behaved and kept his distace, and didn't react when he saw us snuggling, which I think made the other guy relax a bit.

We attempted, and failed to hold a LAN party while he was here. As my sister was here I told him that I'd have to behave or she'd reach the wrong/correct conclusion which could cause problems. He still sought me out to make sure that I was ok during the night while there were problems and rubbed my back and gave me some hugs.

I don't know if I am reading too much into all of this. I'll just have to go on gut instict.