Sunday, August 28, 2005

Damn confusion

From my husband:
I'm an idiot.

I said some things I think needed to be said, but did so clumsily and stupidly and achieved nothing but making you angry with me.

I'm sorry.

From the other man:
That's ok, I just want the both of you to accept, even if you can't understand, that this isn't something I'm going to be changing my mind about, or indeed something I took lightly while coming to my decision. Everyone has their own little guides they run their lives by and mine quite definitely stop before either yours or Bec's.

Initially I thought that this reply was positive. He had thought about it and the decision he took wasn't something he took lightly, so I wasn't rejected out of hand, or without any forthought.

He read my letter, and it was cool. Then later in the day when we were emailing each other backwards and forwards at work, I mentioned that he was an upstanding and righteous person for standing by his beliefs and that was cool. He replied that maybe he was just bloody minded... which is also true really. He is one of the most stubborn people I know.

So, do I walk away, never expecting that this will work? Stay and hurt at times and wait for as long as it takes?

I know I've waited and waited already. Its been almost two and a half years since I realised that I'd fallen in love with him. This year however has been the most painful of that. I hate this feeling of rejection.... especially as I have brought it on myself. The knife cuts that little bit deeper each time, and I don't know how long I will be able to stand the pain.

I want him to change, but that is a decision he has to come to. He knows that I love him, knows that I am NOT offering him anything casual, but an opportunity to share in my life - with the depth and committment open to negotiation. Perhaps one day he may be ready for that and will take me up on my offer.

I just hope that I am around to see it.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

My husband the drunken angel

So, we had a cocktail party with a whole lot of bisexual friends last night. My husband got very drunk. He had just about one of everything that was on offer. It was a quiet night, but I had fun. He decided to write an email to the other man. So this is what he said.

Pissed off my nut! Yay!

Perfect excuse for writing poorly-constructed personal emails. Yay (some more)!!!

For God's sake, Scott, Bec wants you. She loves you, she wants you, and she is free to have you. You want her (as anyone who sees you two together can attest) and you're single, and I'm sure you love her to some degree. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE???

Okay, so things will be a bit tricky. Juggling a fulfilling love life between the two of you while maintaining one between her and me will be challenging. That's fine! We can work that out. She wants to, and I want her to have what she wants and be happy. We're all willing and happy to give it a go, see if it works out.

If it doesn't... well, ooops. Too bad... but it was worth a try.

Frankly, when you're talking to a polyamorous bisexual, "because you're married" just doesn't fucking cut it. You're either going to have to say "Ah, what the hell, let's go" or start giving her some significantly better reasons. She hasn't told you so, but your reasoning thus far has left her somewhat less than convinced.

Scott, you're a wonderful guy - smart, kind, and deeply moral. THis is why Bec loves you. It isn't a crush or infatuation. She isn't going through a phase. She has loved you for several years, and every time she sees you she loves you evern more. This is NOT GOING AWAY.

SHe isn't going to change her mind. She's going to keep prodding at your boundaries, getting under your skin, trying to convince you, putting it crassly, to fuck her brains out. This will end when you a) fuck her brains out, or b) state quite plainly with well-argued reasons why option a) will never happen.

She wants you bad, and weak "Well, you're married" excuses don't mean much to her.

I said I wouldn't nag... and I'm not! This is my first message to you about this in ages. It isn't nagging if it's once a month. :)

Scott, stopping worrying about what mainstream society says a relationship should be. Bec loves you and wants you, and you want her. Just go for it. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You'll still be friends and all will be fine. If it _does_ work out, you'll be in a relationship with a wonderful, beautiful, loving woman who just adores you, with the salight drawback that she'll spend a lot time with her hubby, splitting her week between you and him.


Just... give it some thought... For Bec's happiness, give it some thought.

*more hugs* You're a great person. Sorry for being a drunken bastard on you.

I just sent him a letter saying the same thing, in essense, but a whole lot more tactfully. I explained that I love him and will do everything I can to avoid causing him pain and that I am NOT offering him casual sex. I just don't do casual sex. I'm offering him a relationship. Anything from friends who love each other and who have sex to an equal share in the rest of my life. I have also given him the power of veto over any future or current relationships with the exception of my husband. I trust him to use his powers for good.

So lets see if he is still talking to me next week

Monday, August 15, 2005

Together alone

So, I was sick sick sick last weekend. Not as sick as I was before, but still sick enough to spend a weekend in bed.

I had to fly up to Canberra the following Monday for work. I was there overnight, deathly tired and still feeling quite sick.

He let me stay at his house and put me to bed as soon as I arrived, which I sorely needed. I slept for a good 10 hours before wandering into his bedroom to snuggle before we had to get up.

I flew home the following night back to work on Wednesday. However, he was driving down on Friday night to spend the weekend with us. So I wasn't too sad that I was leaving him in Canberra.

So on Friday, I spent the day with my husband, being massaged or cleaning the house. All in all a good day (despite my grumpiness at my husband for not doing enough housework). He arrived, I gave him hugs and we did the dishes. We then headed off to dinner at a friend's house.

We laughed, ate and I taught him how to do Sudokus. He understood the concept very quickly and we did them together, with me snuggling with him help point out blanks he could fill.

Saturday we went and saw a movie together before we met up with the bi-vic crew. That was a lot of fun. I caught up with a friend I hadn't seen for a month and chatted with my potentially real girl friend. I still don't know where that is going exactly, but that's cool.

I got hugs from friends and a snog from my potential girl friend. But that's beside the topic. On the way to the meet up, we detoured to pick up another woman who was also going (and who lives on the way (pretty much). While we were waiting in the car for my husband to collect her, I told him that I had realised that he was so shy that he wouldn't tell me if he did change his mind. He told me that wasn't going to happen and that I wasn't missing out on anything anyway. I told him that I'd rather be the judge of that and the topic moved on.

Before I went to bed and we were snuggling, and very tired, we somehow got onto the topic of his list of things that we cannot do. I asked him to detail that list so that I knew what I wasn't allowed to do. He said, "Argh! Its too confusing," and I told him that it was ok, and he didn't have to talk about it.

That was weird, because I expected him to know what I could and couldn't do. Or what we could and couldn't do. But it sounded more like he didn't want to hurt my feelings or didn't want to detail the list because its fluid... or he doesn't have a list and goes on how he feels.

For the remainder of the weekend, whenever I referred to he and me, he generally told me that I wasn't missing out on anything. I kept telling him that that was for me to judge and not him. He didn't again mention that it wasn't going to happen. He did suggest that I ask one of his ex-girlfriends to rate him sexually, but then said he'd kill me if I did actually do that. I am toying with the idea.

I was accidentally naughty this morning too. We were lying together in bed, and I had turned away from him, to talk to my husband I think, and had one hand resting on his right hip. I was lying on his left side and it was going to be more comfortable with my hand on his left hip, so I moved it across. I didn't mean to actually grope/caress him while doing so, but it happened anyway. My hand moved smoothly over his groin and I must say I wasn't upset with what I found.

As always, the time before he leaves is the time we are most comfortable with each other. He's said that he'll try and come down again for the first or second weekend of September for a cocktail party - and I'm flying up at the end of September. So who knows what will happen.