I'm an idiot.
I said some things I think needed to be said, but did so clumsily and stupidly and achieved nothing but making you angry with me.
From the other man:
That's ok, I just want the both of you to accept, even if you can't understand, that this isn't something I'm going to be changing my mind about, or indeed something I took lightly while coming to my decision. Everyone has their own little guides they run their lives by and mine quite definitely stop before either yours or Bec's.
Initially I thought that this reply was positive. He had thought about it and the decision he took wasn't something he took lightly, so I wasn't rejected out of hand, or without any forthought.
He read my letter, and it was cool. Then later in the day when we were emailing each other backwards and forwards at work, I mentioned that he was an upstanding and righteous person for standing by his beliefs and that was cool. He replied that maybe he was just bloody minded... which is also true really. He is one of the most stubborn people I know.
So, do I walk away, never expecting that this will work? Stay and hurt at times and wait for as long as it takes?
I know I've waited and waited already. Its been almost two and a half years since I realised that I'd fallen in love with him. This year however has been the most painful of that. I hate this feeling of rejection.... especially as I have brought it on myself. The knife cuts that little bit deeper each time, and I don't know how long I will be able to stand the pain.
I want him to change, but that is a decision he has to come to. He knows that I love him, knows that I am NOT offering him anything casual, but an opportunity to share in my life - with the depth and committment open to negotiation. Perhaps one day he may be ready for that and will take me up on my offer.
I just hope that I am around to see it.