Saturday, June 28, 2003


Nothing much has happended in the love triangle I have found myself in. Though that is not really accurate either.

My husband has continued to improve. The drugs he is on now certainly appear to be effective. He's been involved in graphical design/editing work for an indy film release in the USA. He decided to set a goal to try and be in the USA when the movie is premiered. So he went out and found himself a job. He starts working on Monday. Its a mixed blessing. The first two weeks he's working 8 - 4:30. Then he's doing 5pm - 9pm, Monday to Friday. I'm not going to see him very much. And I don't think I am going to want him to go to the USA for up to three weeks.

The US trip is just at the wrong time. I can't go because my sister is getting married. Added to that is the fact that the US is the last place I want to visit. Its full of Americans for crying out loud. Though a female friend of my husband has told him that she finds me really attractive. Its another temptation.

*sigh* Its so complicated.

Friday, June 13, 2003


Must be strong, must be strong, must be strong. Must not ask stupid questions like "Would you kiss me?" "How much do you really love me?"

Reading over this I can see that even I have improved over time. I told my husband about this last weekend and he expressed interested in reading it. He told me that he is keeping a 'Live Journal" over at I told him that it was private and that he wasn't allowed to read it. He wasn't too happy. He pretended that he didn't mind, but then made a snide remark later in the week that I should write down how he is being mean to me (in a joking manner) in my blog. I told him that it was private and no one has read it. He understands, he is just curious, like me, about everything.

He let me read his journal... in it he discusses his bisexuality and stuff. Nothing too amazing in there.

I don't think it would be wise for anyone else to ever read this. I have told my friend that he would only get to read it if I was feeling suicidal. Which is so unlikely ever to happen.

Given that my husband has normaled (is that a word?) and that he has been bonking me a lot more recently my feelings for the other man have not diminished, but are more at the back of my mind. They aren't tempting me as much, despite what I have written above, as they did a couple of weeks ago.

Monday, June 09, 2003

What now?

Its been a week.. well over a week since I last posted here. Things have been relatively good. Despite the old saying 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' it didn't seem to work in this case.

I didn't deliberately, but it worked out that way, contact my friend from Wednesday until Sunday. He was busy Wednesday and wasn't on-line that night. On Thursday and Friday I wasn't online or at work to speak to him. Saturday he was doing overtime and I was visiting my parents and Sunday I finally found him. The break has done my psyche and heart some good.

I guess it also helps that my husband has been relatively stable. I say relatively because on Tuesday or Wednesday he lost it briefly. Him losing it was justifiable, the computer crashed losing him an hour of graphics work. But I didn't need the sudden shock and fear of him crashing to the ground again. Thankfully, it didn't last too long and we could move on with our life.

I know that he denies it, but all his pent up frustration, self loathing and stuff is just simmering beneath the medicated mood at present. Yesterday when we were chatting about what we'd do if we were richer... a lot richer, he said that he'd be off the medication and happy. I tried to explain, and I hope he understood, that the happiness from not having to worry about things financially, would only be temporary. He knows that he has to deal with the underlying issues... but has not yet done so.

Things will improve. I hope.

Sunday, June 01, 2003


I remembered something my husband came up with when I was really sad. I didn' reflect on it at the time, being too sad to do much other than cry, but it came back to me this morning.

He said that we can't just turn our feelings on and off. You can't just stop loving someone instantly or not be angry at someone. He told me that my feelings were valid and that its was ok to feel that way.

My husband is not a stupid man. I wonder if he has put two and two together about me and the other man. He trusts me implicitly, and I am not willing to abuse that trust. But I can't stop feeling what I do. What I do about my feelings is another matter. One which requires a lot more thought.