Monday, July 11, 2005

Denial or conflicting messages?

Last night, when I came home, I was convinced that despite his protestations of monogamy, he was using that as a cover story. Now, I don't know whether that was denial on my behalf or an accurate reading of the situation. Lets review what happened...

I was sad and so snuggled with him in the morning because I needed comfort. He felt guilty that he had made me sad and so evidently decided to spend the rest of the day keeping me as happy as possible.

We played Scrabble and he won again, we snuggled on the couch and then went for a walk in Canberra Park. It was very very cold outside so after our walk around Canberra Park and enjoying the view from Mount Ainslie, we went and got some hot chocolate.

Then it was time to return to his house and think about me packing to return home. We had over an hour so we sat on his bed and chatted. I put my legs across his and he started snapping my shoe elastic. I warned him that if he continued that I would bite him. He continued so I ended up wrestling him to attempt to bite him. He kinda won the first round by pinning me to the bed and he spanked me. I then wriggled out from that and continued wrestling. In the end I had to straddle him and pin one of his arms down, tickle him into submission before I nipped his arm. He attempted to lift me off him, so I crawled off and we regained our composure.

He sat on the end of the bed and I lay down with my head in his lap. He started massaging my scalp and stroking my hair.

He suggested that I should do a little dance when I get home for winning in wrestling against him. I told him that I didn't need to do that, but if I had actually had sex with him then I would do a little dance. He said that I wouldn't be dancing I would instead be performing King Saul's death march (I think that's the phrase he used). Then in what seemed to be an afterthought he said that it wouldn't ever happen.

I went off to pack my belongings and then we went to the airport. We got there very early and sat and chatted while waiting for my plane. He apologised for being difficult in this situation and I told him that IF he ever changed his mind then he just needed to let me know.

We snuggled and then I borded my plane. The whole journey back, while reading "The Ethnical Slut" I kept thinking that he lied about being monogamous and that he was using that as an excuse. Today I'm not so sure.

Today I think that he is probably monogamous, but as my husband says in love with me and loves to touch me.

So I guess I'll just sit here by the side-lines, continue to flirt and get under his skin until he can't resist me. He told me that he has boundaries that we can't cross, but I didn't ask what they were... I should ask next time so I can test them... but that's evil.

Personally I think he's terrified of pain. There needs to be no pain here. With constant open communication channels and consideration and care there need be no pain. This relationship can grow and diminish as it needs to over time and we don't need harsh words, recriminations or jealousy.

If he later finds someone that he wishes to spend the rest of his life with, then I will be mature enough to let him go to enjoy his happiness. I don't have to stop loving him and I don't have to stop being his friend.

We can do this, but now the ball is firmly in his court.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

And the walls came tumbling down

Last night, I spoke to my husband who had been having fun at the Bi-Vic meetup. He'd explained what had happened to me to a few friends who were aware of the situation. One of them told him that it was a learning experience for me, another sent lots of hugs.

A learning situation.... what on earth am I supposed to learn from this? Not to bother in the first place? Not to fall for straight men? I can't think of any other learning opportunities here... other than to be straight up at the beginning so that the potential for pain later is far lessened.

After I went to bed I entered the dark cave of despair. I felt that no one else was going to want me than James, and I feel guilty that this is not enough for me currently. I hurt that James is having fun with his two boys and his other girl... and I'm sitting on the side-lines not having any success. I'm tempted to give the whole thing away... my standards being what they are aren't going to let me have casual sex with someone, so.... why bother at all?

I wandered into his bedroom this morning, after telling myself that I would not because it is a pointless exercise. I needed hugs and comfort. I told him that I was sad, and he wanted to know why. I told him I was sad because I sucked. He wanted to know why I thought I sucked and I told him that it was long and complicated. He felt bad that he had made me sad. And although that is somewhat true, I wouldn't want him to change who he is or to be untrue to himself, so I'm not upset at him, just myself and the situation.

So I'm left with a dark, sad heart waiting for my husband's love at the end of the day when I fly home. There will be moments of light today, I won't be able to spend the entire day depressed, its not really in me, and he makes me smile and laugh.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Hardly surprising, but disappointing none the less

So here I am in Canberra, after traveling up specifically to find out why I can't seduce him. We chatted around the issue a little bit before I explained my realisation from the last Poly discussion night.

I realised that I have a rather unusual flaw. I often think that people who I am quite similar to, and who share very similar interests to me, actually think more like me. He told me that he is "very" different from me and agreed that he is monogamous.

I texted this to my husband who asked me if I had made it clear that if he changes his mind that I'm cool with that. I showed him the message and then told my husband I had done so. My husband wanted to make sure that I wasn't too shattered. After careful consideration I realised that the wall I had purposefully built after the last Poly discussion, was there for a good reason. The answer I received was actually the answer I expected.

My other man said that he realised that I had an ulterior motive when I was coming to visit him. I explained to him that my ulterior motive wasn't to seduce him, but to find out why I couldn't seduce him.

Things are still good between us though. I'm still allowed to snuggle with him in bed in the morning, give him hugs, back rubs and hold hands where ever we go.

I don't know if I am convinced that he is 100% monogamous or just terrified of the complication and potential pain that could come out of this if he agreed to enter into it. Either way, I'll let it go for the moment and play nice (well as nice as I can play).

My husband also sent him another email. The text is as follows:

It's cool.
I sort of understand your feeling, and sort of don't... I'm not some kind of free-sex hippie slut who can boff anyone - I need to feel a spark of friendship, some kind of chemistry, or it just won't happen.
That said, I find it hard to understand the mind of a totally monogamous person. Just kinda alien to me, I suppose. That said, it's all cool. I'll try not to tease or nag or anything like that. I married Bec for a reason - I think she's the greatest woman on this planet - and as such I find it baffling that a single guy who likes Bec a lot as a friend, and (I suspect, though you've never said so) finds her quite attractive, could turn her down. She's wonderful! What are you thinking, you looney???
Anyway... I respect your decision 100%, even if I can't relate to it. I am sure Bec will leave the door open for you if you ever change your mind, but I will try to leave you alone on that topic. You and Bec are platonic friends from now on, unless you - and only you - decide otherwise.
You're a great bloke. I'm disappointed, as I know it would have made Bec happy, but you will also make her happy as a friend. You've been very good to her, and very gentle in turning her down, and I respect you more than ever for that.
Enjoy your weekend, you fucking lunatic.
So... where to from here?