Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Time and time again

My husband went overseas. I coped, and am quite surprised at my coping ability. The first week and a half I was quite depressed. I didn't recognise the depression initially, and until a friend pointed it out to me, didn't realise that was what my problem was.

I went to Canberra last week and saw him for the first time in ages. It was unfair to me really. I was missing my husband heaps and had been entertained and kept amused by him for almost a month. When I saw him I fell in love with him all over again. Not that he knows, because I wouldn't tell him.

Now I've done something stupid and upset him. He's barely emailing me and not playing around like he usually does. My previous post kinda outlines what I've done to upset him. I don't really know what to do about it. I could ring and apologise, but he's told me that he's not angry at me and to stop apologising. I could email him and ask what is happening, but I don't want to upset him further.

I'm in a quandry. I could send the email below to him, but that could make things worse.

Why do I complicate matters like this?

The email message I want to send but won't...

Its hard for me not knowing you quite well enough to know what you are thinking. I thinks that's only because we communicate by text and I can't read your body language to interpret how you react to things I say and do.

Maybe its just me, but I feel that you are annoyed with me for what happened with K. Not that anything really happened. She told me that she loves you dearly, but isn't attracted to you. Something you already knew. I told her that you were aware that she wasn't attracted to you and she replied that you were a good man and that's why she doesn't "play" with you. (Her own words.) I felt bad about it because she told me that she hoped that I hadn't made her do something which would give you the wrong impression. As if I could make her do anything. :P

Maybe you love her more than you love me, and that is understandable too.

I should probably not tell you this, and I most likely won't send this to you anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

I came incredibly close to leaving my husband earlier this year as you know. I was debating where to go if I did leave, and the pros and cons of each. One of my destinations was you. However, I knew that if I did go to you, and things did happen, I wouldn't go back to my husband and I wasn't really ready for that.

I am very attracted to you and incredibly fond of you. Probably beyond fondness and bordering on "love". Which is not really a good position for a married woman to be in... and given that I don't know how you really feel about me (you play your hand very close to your chest) kinda frustrating. I'm not planning to seduce you or do anything about it. I just thought you might like to know.

My husband had this conversation with LJ when they were chatting in the US. She wants him, and he is interested, but both of them behaved themselves.

I'd like to have this conversation with you. Maybe we've already had it in code and it makes more sense to you than me. I don't like not knowing where I stand. Though by telling you all this, you might not want to speak to me any more... and it will change the dynamic of our relationship. I don't know if I want that either. Complications I can do without.