Saturday, June 12, 2004


My certainly of last night has disappeared, but my heart still aches. Its easy to know when the sensations of a few hours ago are still present, but now I have slept and my certainty has disappeared.

I know I can't leave my husband without incurring the wrath of my friends and family. Everyone was telling me to stay with him last year when we went through our worst. No one really considered my feelings at the time or how I was coping with it - which was very badly. I almost left, and I don't want to go through that again... and I am kinda feeling now like I am.

But this time I've complicated matters myself. I have a safe port for which I could flee... but if I did then everything, and I mean everything, would change. No more trust between me and James, jealousies, bitchiness and really the end of the friendship and relationship.

I can't tell him how I feel about the other man, because it would change things between us and I'm not certain that my feelings are reciprocated. I'll once again bury my heart and go the good fight. I remain the dutiful wife.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Self Destructive Behaviour

Its been a while since I've needed to write here. Things had been mostly good. We spent New Years at the other man's house and because I was happy and my husband was happy my feelings for him did not become so urgent or vivid. Maybe time now has painted them dim. I remember being affectionate to him, but I was being affectionate to everyone who was there.

Currently my heart is aching. Though I should start from the beginning so that I can make sense.

Last weekend we had the housewarming in our new house that my husband and I are purchasing jointly with my parents. That's another story which isn't going to be printed here. My friend came down for the part and stayed the weekend, stretching it out and making it long. The party was fun and due to a kinda unwanted guest staying my husband was occupied with him and so I was left, more often than not, with my male friend.

I should have realised that my husband was about to enter another depressive episode. He's stressed about university and is having anxiety attacks. I can't cope with this the way that I used to. He had a major assignment, still currently incomplete, due on Thursday. The stress was getting to him, and as my coping mechanisms are crap currently I kinda retreated... And got angry at him for not doing the assignment and things he needed to.

Now the past two nights I have been staying with my friend at his parent's house in Canberra. This trip had been planned by my work for a fair while and given that my friend works for the same employer it was convenient. He was clearly happy to see me at the airport and hugged me. It was nice to feel wanted. I didn't realise that I wasn't really feeling wanted at home with my husband's stress. We collected my bags and walked hand in hand, as I do with him, to his car. We made dinner, watched TV and chatted. The same for the following night. I would hug him and not let go, mess up his hair and tickle him. All the time realising what I was doing, but not being able to stop.

Today we got sprung holding hands by two of his female friends. One who knows that I am married and another who didn't know who I was. The first one emailed him later and asked what was going on. The second didn't. She later invited me to stay longer on the weekend and go to the party that they are having tomorrow. When I told her that I had to go home to my husband, she paused and then invited me to stay anyway.

At the airport I told him that I didn't want to go home. I knew how my husband had been, subconsciously, and didn't want to go home to it. Now I'm here. Things are as bad as I thought they'd be. I want to go back to where I am loved and wanted... even if it isn't in words.

I know he loves me, he couldn't be as affectionate and gentle with me if he didn't - and he wouldn't let me get away with the things that he does.

We exist on subtext. He guesses that I love him, and can't say it because I am married, and I am certain he loves me from his actions. He is a very sweet man.

If only I could combine my husband and him. Then I would be happy. Its almost like I married the wrong man at times. His parents, despite their faults would be people that I get along with. They both play the piano, his mother collects elephants (as I do) and his father scuba dives.

I do love my husband, but it is with pain currently. I love the other man without any pain from his side. That pain is all self-inflicted because I know I am acting self-destructedly, and that I can live with because I'm causing it to myself.

So I'm at home, being miserable and wanting to run away to avoid the shit that is going down here. But as a dutiful wife I'll stay and do what I promised to 8 years ago. Unrequited love... what a story.