Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The whys and wherefores

Continuing on from the aborted post... which had something to do with my husband, who had come off anti-depressants getting depressed, I did spend part of that weekend snuggling with the other man on the lounge watching a movie with my husband. My husband was comfortably laying on the floor.

My husband and I, now I sound like the queen, are in some regards actively targeting the other man. I don't think he stands much of a chance, whether he thinks he wants to or not. Now that my husband and I have openly spoken about me sleeping with the other man, it is a bit of a challenge... but it is also more for me. I do love the other man, as well as my husband, so I have more than a sexual challenge ahead of me. I also have an emotional one as well. I don't just want to sleep with him, I want him to know that I love him as well.

And that's where it gets a bit hard. A man who consciously doesn't want to get involved with a married woman being manipulated into it. I have ethical issues with it.

I'm sure he does have feelings for me anyway. He visited last weekend, it's beginning to become a monthly to six weekly thing, allegedly so I don't sook at him about not visiting, and things went very well.

We did spend a lot of time together without my husband. This was partly engineered by the two of us, and some of it happened because that's the way it worked out. We went out to dinner together, chatted, spent time wandering the city hand in hand, and despite the fact that it was hot and humid, he kept hold of my hand as we wandered through the city. Then the following day we drove together up to Mount Donnabuang and enjoyed the beauty of nature. We hugged, cuddled a bit and wandered and drove around hand in hand. When we did get home, we watched my husband playing Half-Life 2. I leaned back into him and he put his arms around me. My husband turned around at one point, said something, raised his eyebrows and grinned and the other man dropped his arms from around me, and didn't replace them for the rest of the evening. Though I did sit next to him, leaning in and held his hand.

He has also voluntarily started kissing me on my forehead. This started the visit before last. I had been going around kissing the top of his head when we were alone together and he was seated and I was leaving the room, or something similar. So he's started kissing my forehead. I think he's a little shy doing it, but it is sweet. So I decided to kiss his fingers when we were farewell breakfasting together. He responded by kissing my hand. When I gave him a goodnight hug the night before, I was sure he almost kissed me, but thought better of it.

When it came time for him to go, I didn't want to let him go, and he didn't want to let me go either. I held his face, as I do and kissed him on his lips. Something that he had never responded to in the past. It sounds romantic, but it hasn't been. It's be me, forcing a kiss on his lips... kinda. Anyway, yesterday he responded and kissed me back. Just a quick peck, but it made it even harder to let him go. When he did tell me to get into my car (he'd dropped me off at the station to pick up my car) he kissed me again on the forehead.

So all of this added up, in my possibly deranged mind, is that he also is beginning to either have feelings for me or to admit feelings for me. I don't get the feeling that my behavior is unwanted or unreciprocated. But how do I seduce him? Should I seduce him given that I love the guy as well as being attracted to him?

Yes the truth will set you free, but I don't want to be set free of my marriage or my friendship. And I think that the setting free that they are talking about there is more from jail, oppression and perhaps hell.

I haven't got anyone to talk to about this either. I can't talk to my family about it because they'd be scandalised.... and I wouldn't hear the end of it. I can't talk to my closest female friend because she is already jealous of me for having a husband and other men being interested in me, I don't want to upset her with two men. I can't talk to my husband because although I've given him some subtle clues that I might be more than attracted to the other man, he's probably in denial to an extent. That will take longer to get around and could be painful for him and I don't want to inflict that upon him. His psyche needs to be stronger first.... and at this point I can't talk to the other man until he knows... which sounds strange but is true.

Ho hum.

On the plus side, he is going to come down and visit after Christmas and spend the New Year with us. So I'll see him again then, and it would be nice if I could smother him in kisses. But I don't want to frighten him away.

I think that he's realised that James's jealousy isn't something to be too frightened off... and may even grow to accept that it is something that can be ignored and that will diminish over time. Who knows really.