Tuesday, May 17, 2005

My brief email conversation

I had probably the most verbose email conversation about "our issue" with the other man today. It appears below.

Him: you been seeing me heaps lately
Me: well yes, but I like you
Him: I noticed. Probably a little too much too *hugs*
Me: I'm sorry... if you want me to back off, tell me you silly man
Him: Me silly? Sheesh. :P
Me: *hugs* There is no too much liking then :P
Him: Oh I think there might be. :P *hugs*
Me: ah... um... too bad then :P Its not something that can really be controlled to a great extent
Him: I see. Sheesh
Me: I know that your answer to this question will probably be "no" but I'm going to ask you anyway. Do you want me to outline in more detail what I am offering you? Or is ignorance bliss?
Him: No, because I wouldn't accept it.
Me: the answer or the offer? Nevermind, I know I am making you uncomfortable and grumpy... sorry
Him: The offer *hugs* I sorry baby
Me: You don't have to apologise, I understand that my personal morals and your personal morals are different things. I don't want to force you to do something that will make you unhappy. And I am serious, if you want me to back down you have to explicitly say so, don't worry about hurting my feelings. If I am hurting your feelings or making you seriously uncomfortable by not doing so then I'll be sad from that too. You know what I want. You need to draw the line and tell me what behaviour you are prepared to tolerate and what is too much. I want you to be happy. *hugs* You'll still be my friend regardless of what happens
Him: That's ok, I don't hate you *hugs* I's just abit uncomfy
Me: That's understandable... I'm taking you a long long way from your comfort zone

So, what do I take out of this exchange?

My husband is an angel

He sent this email today to the other man.

Just wanted to drop you a quick email. Nothing too scary, I promise.

Bec has passed on a few of the things you two have been talking about and I just wanted to reassure you on a few topics.

First up, and most important, is that I want Bec to be happy. She wants to be with both you and me, and she believes it will make her happy. We have discussed it, and I agree with her, so I am cool with it. You are my friend though, and I want you to be happy too, which is why I am writing this in the first place. :) You are an exceptionally nice and cool person, and I trust you to be good to Bec, and to treat her at least as well as I do. I know you will never willingly allow her to be hurt. If I didn't trust you implicitly, this whole situation would have been over before it started.

Next up, jealousy is not an issue. I am not naive enough to think I won't feel jealous at all, but if I feel even the slightest tickling of it, I have promised Bec that we will immediately talk about it and sort it out. That said, I haven't been jealous yet. Having you visit has never been anything but pleasant and fun, and I sincerely mean that.

Now, I know you want someone of your own to love, and this is natural. Bec and I have only arrived at this point through many trials and errors, all of which have served to deepen our love and trust for each other. The whole poly thing is just not for everyone, I know that, but I find myself wondering if you are aware of all the options available to you. Bec doesn't expect you to be exclusive, and she doesn't expect you to love her forever. At the same time, she doesn't mind if you do. She only wants you to give her whatever you are prepared to give her, which may be anything ranging from a single occasion that serves to deepen your friendship even though you never repeat it, right through to her becoming the pivot in a V relationship. She and I have talked through the possibilities for the future, and anything short of either you or me leaving her life is acceptable to both of us.

In summary... just forget about me. I mean, Bec will never be just yours and nobody else's, but she and I have our feelings about this whole situation completely sorted. All that matters now is what you want and what you honestly believe will make you happy. Don't worry about me being jealous or hurt, because it just isn't going to happen, and even if it does it will be a matter for Bec and me to sort out. Just think about what you want, what Bec wants, and whether these two sets of things are reconcilable. I suspect they are, but the decision is ultimately yours.

*hug* You're a great person, Scott. I really mean that. I don't know if I would be this comfortable with anybody else being pursued by my wife. You have a genuinely good heart. Bec trusts you, and I trust you. She loves you. It was a shock for me to hear it at first, but I have accepted it.

Sorry if I seem to be lecturing you. I just wanted to make sure you understand exactly where I stand in all of this. It's one thing to be told by Bec "James thinks this..." and something else to hear it from me. All I care about is the happiness of two people I love, one as my wife and one as my friend. Everything else is negotiable.

So much has happened on so little time

Ok, so since I last posted things have moved on.

I spent 5 nights at the other man's house at the end of April. We snuggled and were close. The closest we got to discussing things was:

Me: "Are you just nice to me so you don't hurt my feelings?"
Him: "Argh"
Me: "I really need to know"
Him: "I like you and you are nice, but you're married."
Me: "That doesn't matter."
Him: "It matters to me. I'm different from you."

We snuggled and left it at that. There were a few times he said that it wasn't going to happen, but he still let me get very close and almost under his skin. Later on that same day he called me "cute and lovable" and later "sexy" after I had finished dressing for a lame masquerade ball we were attending. I discovered it was lame after we arrived, I didn't know that beforehand and neither did he.

And now this weekend just passed. Tori Amos was performing and he came down to see it with us. As the concert was on the Thursday night he traveled down for that and then stayed for the weekend. On Friday morning I grumbled at him until he came and snuggled with me in my bed for a change after my husband had left for work. We lay there chatting and snuggling and nothing at all happening. I told him that if he wanted me to back off or wanted to draw the line at a certain point he needed to do so. He replied that I would be upset and I told him that was silly.

Eventually we got up and showered and dressed (separately) and traveled into the city to wander around Fitzroy.

That night we went out to dinner together and chatted about things. I discovered that when he falls for someone, he falls hard. When his last relationship ended he was very, very miserable for months because he loved her deeply.

I suspect that one of the reasons he has turned me down so far is because he is afraid of falling for me and falling hard (if he hasn't already) and not being able to have me all to himself and then there is the whole married bit.

So the Saturday morning I snuggled with him briefly before getting everyone ready to go shopping. He is getting more and more comfortable with letting me snuggle on his shoulder with my hands on his skin, including sometimes just under the rim of his boxers resting on his hip. I reiterated that I was serious that he needed to draw the line between what he would and would not accept and he accepted that, but still didn't draw that line.

Saturday night we went to Cookies for the monthly bi-Vic meet-up and chatted with lots of cool people. We both watched my husband snuggle with his male partner. I held hands with or was draped across the other man for most of the evening. I also chatted with a lovely girl who I am kinda interested in, but she is also after a monogamous relationship so nothing is going to happen there.

We eventually went home and dropped my husband off at his man's place. I was very tired, but we had a quick bite to eat and then I lay across the futon which is where he was sleeping. He lay down as well and we snuggled. We were both fully clothed and I put my cool hand down under the belt of his pants and rested it on his hip. We lay there for a while and eventually he removed, somewhat reluctantly, my hand from his hip and put it on his chest and rubbed it - as if to say "no offence" for removing it.

I asked him what he was thinking at that moment, and he wouldn't tell me. I leant over him trying to figure out what he was thinking and told him he was cute. At the same time I stroked his face, which he'd shaved that morning, saying that I liked it. He was shy. I told him he was cute and that I wasn't the only person that thought that as evidenced by people telling me that at Cookies.

At one point I said that I was bad and he replied that I was "nice [or good] with evil tendencies".

He later said that I could tell my husband that he was a spaz. I asked why and he told me "Because I won't do anything." I told him that my husband would agree with him as would his lover who is reported as saying "I wouldn't kick her out of my bed on a cold winter's night, or at any other time".

I asked if he loved me and he replied in the affirmative as well, instead of the usual "mmmaybe" that I get.

He shielded my eyes several times also, telling me not to look at him, I forget that my eyes are like beacons showing people exactly what I am feeling, particularly when I am happy or loving.

I eventually went to bed, after giving him a quick kiss. My husband came home and we stayed up chatting about it for a long time.

On the Sunday I snuggled with him before we went and had breakfast together. Nothing much of import was discussed, we returned home and he departed.

I noticed over the weekend that he often kissed my forehead of his own accord and would wait for me to hold his hand when we walked places.

Sunday afternoon was an interesting time. I chatted with my husband and finally told him everything. I'd told him that I had feelings for the other man, but not when or how those feelings developed. Sunday afternoon was the right time. I told him everything, and gave him the URL for this blog. He'll probably read it soon (Hi sweetie). He is so amazingly cool about it, he was surprised and shocked to discover that I'd kept this all secret for 2 years, but he's taken it in his stride.