Ok, so since I last posted things have moved on.
I spent 5 nights at the other man's house at the end of April. We snuggled and were close. The closest we got to discussing things was:
Me: "Are you just nice to me so you don't hurt my feelings?"
Me: "I really need to know"
Him: "I like you and you are nice, but you're married."
Me: "That doesn't matter."
Him: "It matters to me. I'm different from you."
We snuggled and left it at that. There were a few times he said that it wasn't going to happen, but he still let me get very close and almost under his skin. Later on that same day he called me "cute and lovable" and later "sexy" after I had finished dressing for a lame masquerade ball we were attending. I discovered it was lame after we arrived, I didn't know that beforehand and neither did he.
And now this weekend just passed. Tori Amos was performing and he came down to see it with us. As the concert was on the Thursday night he traveled down for that and then stayed for the weekend. On Friday morning I grumbled at him until he came and snuggled with me in my bed for a change after my husband had left for work. We lay there chatting and snuggling and nothing at all happening. I told him that if he wanted me to back off or wanted to draw the line at a certain point he needed to do so. He replied that I would be upset and I told him that was silly.
Eventually we got up and showered and dressed (separately) and traveled into the city to wander around Fitzroy.
That night we went out to dinner together and chatted about things. I discovered that when he falls for someone, he falls hard. When his last relationship ended he was very, very miserable for months because he loved her deeply.
I suspect that one of the reasons he has turned me down so far is because he is afraid of falling for me and falling hard (if he hasn't already) and not being able to have me all to himself and then there is the whole married bit.
So the Saturday morning I snuggled with him briefly before getting everyone ready to go shopping. He is getting more and more comfortable with letting me snuggle on his shoulder with my hands on his skin, including sometimes just under the rim of his boxers resting on his hip. I reiterated that I was serious that he needed to draw the line between what he would and would not accept and he accepted that, but still didn't draw that line.
Saturday night we went to Cookies for the monthly bi-Vic meet-up and chatted with lots of cool people. We both watched my husband snuggle with his male partner. I held hands with or was draped across the other man for most of the evening. I also chatted with a lovely girl who I am kinda interested in, but she is also after a monogamous relationship so nothing is going to happen there.
We eventually went home and dropped my husband off at his man's place. I was very tired, but we had a quick bite to eat and then I lay across the futon which is where he was sleeping. He lay down as well and we snuggled. We were both fully clothed and I put my cool hand down under the belt of his pants and rested it on his hip. We lay there for a while and eventually he removed, somewhat reluctantly, my hand from his hip and put it on his chest and rubbed it - as if to say "no offence" for removing it.
I asked him what he was thinking at that moment, and he wouldn't tell me. I leant over him trying to figure out what he was thinking and told him he was cute. At the same time I stroked his face, which he'd shaved that morning, saying that I liked it. He was shy. I told him he was cute and that I wasn't the only person that thought that as evidenced by people telling me that at Cookies.
At one point I said that I was bad and he replied that I was "nice [or good] with evil tendencies".
He later said that I could tell my husband that he was a spaz. I asked why and he told me "Because I won't do anything." I told him that my husband would agree with him as would his lover who is reported as saying "I wouldn't kick her out of my bed on a cold winter's night, or at any other time".
I asked if he loved me and he replied in the affirmative as well, instead of the usual "mmmaybe" that I get.
He shielded my eyes several times also, telling me not to look at him, I forget that my eyes are like beacons showing people exactly what I am feeling, particularly when I am happy or loving.
I eventually went to bed, after giving him a quick kiss. My husband came home and we stayed up chatting about it for a long time.
On the Sunday I snuggled with him before we went and had breakfast together. Nothing much of import was discussed, we returned home and he departed.
I noticed over the weekend that he often kissed my forehead of his own accord and would wait for me to hold his hand when we walked places.
Sunday afternoon was an interesting time. I chatted with my husband and finally told him everything. I'd told him that I had feelings for the other man, but not when or how those feelings developed. Sunday afternoon was the right time. I told him everything, and gave him the URL for this blog. He'll probably read it soon (Hi sweetie). He is so amazingly cool about it, he was surprised and shocked to discover that I'd kept this all secret for 2 years, but he's taken it in his stride.