Monday, October 24, 2005

Growing up means realising you won't get everything you want

He spent the weekend here for my housemate's birthday party. I'm unexpectedly flying up to Canberra on Thursday and Friday after my exam on Wednesday.

My plan to get him drunk didn't work out. We were tired after partying all afternoon and there were many people at the cocktail party so not so many cocktails were made. But that is by the by.

Its funny... I had set myself boundaries... I shall not do this and I shall not do that... and consequently forgot to allow myself to do things. It took me a while on Friday night to think about what I was and was not going to do.

I didn't crawl into bed with him on any of the mornings he was here and I won't do that when I am up in Canberra later this week. I allowed myself to be affectionate with him, but not in any pushy way and at times would let him be.

This morning I sat him down before he was about to leave and told him some things. He was a bit scared about what they were going to be, but I told him he didn't need to respond, only to listen. The things I had rehersed in my head vanished - as they are wont to do, and so I just spoke plainly.

I told him that I was sorry that I had been so stupid recently and that I was no longer going to wait for him to change his mind and that I would move on. I told him that I was going to stop causing myself pain and ripping my heart in two. He told me that he'd been telling me this for a while. I said that I felt that I had been receiving mixed messages or had been misinterpreting things. He replied that I probably had been misinterpreting things. I don't know, but it will do for now.

He then told me that he'd give me a hug and pulled me to my feet and gave me a big, long hug. I told him that I'd still love him because there was a lot to love and that that wouldn't go away.

So, I'm moving on. I don't know what this will actually mean for my feelings for him. Right now I feel sad and about to cry. Letting go can be a hard thing, but I think it will cause me far less pain than I have put myself through in the past couple of months.

I can still hope that perhaps some time in the future things will change, but if they don't I still have a friend who I love dearly.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, sorry to hear about this. it does hurt for a bit but it gets better over time (sometimes lots of time).

lots of lovely hugs, Annie.

3:31 pm  

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