Monday, June 20, 2005

Poly lifestyles aren't for everyone

So, my husband and I have started attending a poly discussion group. Which is a good thing given the lifestyle we are entering into. At the last meeting a topic of discussion was that there are people who just aren't poly. They are monogamous and won't be able to handle polyamoury. This was a revelation to me. I hadn't considered that the other man could be solely monogamous and won't get his head around sharing with me.

I realised that I really need to sit down with him and discuss his values and views of the world. I need to contain any hurt that can potentially occur now and accept that. If I leave this longer it is going to hurt far more in the future when I am further entwined in his soul. I've already started building a wall around my heart, and I haven't even had the conversation.

I met up with the convener of the group a few days later and I mentioned this revelation. She said that she was worried that I would give up pursuing the other man and I explained that I hadn't but that I had realised that I need to have this conversation with him.

So, I'm planning, with my husband's full backing, to fly to his home town and spend a week with him. Yes its going to be freezingly cold, but this conversation needs to be had and I can't back down like I have every other time.

I must be brave for both of us. This is too important to let go because if it ends badly later, our entire friendship will break down. As my husband said, the only thing I will not accept is either of them leaving my life.

Monday, June 06, 2005

I'm SO confused

So he spent another weekend down visiting, mainly for a cocktail party we were holding to celebrate the removal of the cast from a friends now healed broken leg.

We spent some time together... as you'd expect.

The upshot of the weekend was...

  • He will never sleep with me
  • I shouldn't really like him
  • There is nothing to like in him
  • If he gets a girlfriend I am not allowed to be jealous and won't be allowed to snuggle with him anymore
  • He does like snuggling with me, but may one day disallow it
  • I worry too much about upsetting him
Friday night we went out to dinner, while my husband was enjoying a naughty threesome... a different story which won't be related here... to a nice Spanish/Moroccan restaurant. Very nice and not too expensive. We chatted, came home, watched some Red Dwarf, and went to bed.

The next day was cleaning for the cocktail party. I initially snuggled with him and let him know that my husband was happy for him to crash in my bed after the cocktail party if he was tired and my husband was still partying on. He said that he would be fine and that it could be something to sook to my (poly) masseause about.

At the cocktail party my behavior was constrained due to the number of people present who were not aware of my lifestyle and so I behaved.... until everyone left. By this time (and it was only midnight) we were all exhausted. I sent my husband and housemates to bed and helped my two visitors to make their own beds. I went into the kitchen for something and was followed in and I went to kiss him goodnight. I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. He kissed my forehead and so held his face and kissed him on the lips and then went to kiss him on the forehead. I think he thought I was going to kiss him on the lips again... I should have taken advantage of the opportunity.

The Sunday we went to the St Kilda Esplanade market, Ikea and then home. I had a sleep because I was tired and had a splitting headache. I woke up and cooked dinner, with his help and we ate it while my husband's regular fuckbuddy was around...

We crashed early again, my exam the following day, and I was shoed off to bed.

The next morning I eventually got my husband out of bed to get ready for work and I snuggled with the other man again. I laughed quietly at his poke about my masseause and he asked what I was laughing about. I told him and he said that he'd never sleep with me. He asked what I'd do if he got a girlfriend and I told him that I'd probably be jealous, depending on who she was. He said that I'd not be able to snuggle with him anymore and I said that would depend... he indicated that he'd be good.

Basically he indicated to me that the fact that I am married is still an issue for him, and that he could potentially say in the future that I can't snuggle with him any more. I told him that he has really be leading me on, in a far more subtle way than that. He could have backed down at any point in the past if he felt uncomfortable or didn't want me to go that far. He said that perhaps he didn't to save my feelings, but after our previous conversation regarding him being nice to me to not hurt my feelings, I have my doubts. I got a bit sad, and he noticed, at one point in the morning from something he said.

Its hard to recall it all now, but I did tell him that he needs to tell me what he is feeling more, particularly if I upset him. He told me not to worry so much.

During my shower I came to an interesting revelation. It's taken me over 10 years to reach this point in my thinking. Its not fair for me to expect him to reach the same point immediately because I want him. I apologised to him after my shower for being pushy and potentially upsetting him. He gave me a hug and told me not to worry.

We had breakfast after that and chatted about meaningless things, holding hands where possible and just being close. He drove me to the station so that I could sit my exam. In the station car-park I gave him a hug in his car and thought he would leave. He got out of his car and gave me some more hugs and a kiss on my forehead as a "good luck study kiss". I kissed him on his lips and he told me at some point that he does like snuggling with me.

So... next time I approach the issue, I'll try and do it when we are both dressed and somewhere private. I think that its a bit too confronting when I am almost naked and wrapped around him in his bed.

I still don't know what I can do to seduce him or whether there is ANYTHING I can ever do to seduce him.