Sunday, October 16, 2005


Not the scent, but me. I'm beginning to realise how much I am obsessing, and I find this to be unhealthy... not just because it means that I am spending emotional energy on things that I cannot change, but also because there is so much other love in my life that tends to get... not ignored but something similar. My husband is truely wonderful, he puts up with my depression, loves me unconditionally and is by my side wanting me to be happy and wishing me success.

I need to take more control of this and regain some personal power. I've given everything to the other man, and he may not consciously know it, but he wields a lot of power over me. So now it is time to stand up on my own feet again, gain some distance and be myself and not the shadow I fear that I have become. The ball is well and truely in his court. I've offered and done just about everything that I am comfortable and able to do so far. Now, I'll just be the friend who is interested and slowly back down.

I know that I generally grieve for a couple of weeks after we've spent time together, and I am happy for that to continue. But grieving on my own terms, not this mess of feelings that is currently sitting in my heart. It doesn't help that I'll be seeing him three times this month due to work and other personal arrangements. That has made the whole grieving process odd as it hasn't been two weeks between visits, so far a week and then 10 days.

He drives down on Friday to visit and spend time at my house-mate's birthday cocktail party... and BBQ if the weather is nice. I still plan to get him drunk and see what happens. But the rest of the time I'll be strong and take back the some of the power I've given him. How, I'm not quite sure, but most likely involving not climbing into his bed and snuggling with him in the morning.

He knows that if he ever finds a girlfriend that I'll walk out of his life until either she invites me back into it or the relationship breaks down. I am getting more and more tempted, despite the pain it will cause, to find someone for him - to break through the shell of self sufficiency he has built up around himself and maybe (hopefully) to realise what could have been. Maybe he'll be perfectly happy and it won't matter. If he is that far out of reach, then there is nothing I can do.

Its all annoying and confusing.

On another note, he is the poem I wrote after I went to bed the other night (after I wrote the last entry). Its about my hsuband not being home when I needed him.


I rang you and
you didn't answer so
I called another number and
you weren't there

I had a shower to
wash out the worry but
it didn't work so
I got dressed

I paced up and down the
corridor of my house wondering
how I would find you when
I needed you the most

I fell asleep waiting for
you to come home and
give me the comfort I
desperately craved

I woke up finding
myself wrapped in your arms your
love surrounding me and
making me safe


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