Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Well, that was a bit unexpected....

Last night I came home from work feeling a bit queasy. My husband had to go to my sister's house to collect a few things, so I took my work shirt off, leaving my black singlet top, black pants and black socks on. I read my email and did a few other things online.

When my husband came home, we went and snuggled. We ended up making love, which was a good thing given my absense from home. Before we actually started he read me an erotic story called "Cartographers of Desire". It was about a gay man realising he was bi and his relationship opening up to include his new girlfriend. A sweet and very well written erotic story.

Anyway... we boffed, it was wonderful, and my orgasm was beautiful... and then followed by heart rending sadness. My husband just grabbed me and wrapped himself around me while I cried. I didn't expect to be so sad, especially after such a beautiful moment. My husband said that had he thought of it he would have realised that I would have been sad.

The constant farewells are wearing me down. I love spending time with my "almost other man", as I called him the other day when telling a friend where I'd been over the weekend, but I don't like leaving him to go home, although seeing my husband again is a wonderful thing too. I just wish he'd move to Melbourne so I could see him regularly and not hurt each time we separated.

I put my sad away in a box and tucked it up in a high corner of my mind. When I can't deal with the real issues of the sadness, sometimes dwelling on it makes it worse. The last time I put my sad in a box and put it away, I had to keep putting it back there with stronger and stronger methods of keeping the box from opening or being opened. It was hard, but eventually it stayed put and I left it there until I could deal with it when I got home.

I don't know how to deal with the cause of this bout of sadness. I don't know whether I should tell him how sad I was, speak the things we've left unsaid and dare his grumpiness or just be patient and wait and see. He's empathic, at least with me, and can read me well enough to know when I'm feeling a bit down or sad. After I wrote my last entry I reread over the one before and got a bit sad because I felt stupid. He noticed very quickly and asked me what was up. I told him, he didn't deny that I was pushing him slightly or stuff... I let it go.

I still have some lingering sadness in my heart despite the box being secure and out of reach. I usually take two weeks to get over the separation. It may be that I give myself two weeks to get over it. But this time I see him again on Sunday night, and then 10 days after I fly home as he's said that he'll come down for my house-mate's birthday party/cocktail party. I have half formed plans to fly to visit my sister via Canberra so I can see him around his birthday... but as I said, those plans are half formed, and he wants to veto them anyway.

Things of note that happened while I was up visiting him in Canberra:
  1. We spoke of what would happen if he ever got another girlfriend. As most women would not deal well with the connection that is between us, I told him that I would walk away and let the relationship be what it was. He understood that. We didn't talk about how much this would hurt either of us.
  2. We briefly spoke about how his refusal to agree to a massage was silly... well I said it was silly and he said he didn't 'need' it. He then told me that I could tell my masseause and my husband's boyfriend how he was being silly. I told them that they already knew. He eventually agreed to be massaged (nothing else) and was very happily relaxed when I finished about 15 minutes later. He later said that I shouldn't spoil him. I said that I'd spoil him as much as I wanted to and that he didn't believe that he should be spoilt because he didn't like himself. Something changed the topic which he gratefully accepted.
  3. He encouraged me to pursue a girl who has expressed a vague interest in me, have sex or a threesome with my husband's boyfriend and be freer sexually, I guess that is the best way I can put it. I don't know if he believes that this will make what I feel for him less special, or make me less special. I'm unsure about his motivation here, and I want to explore that more.

Sunday... I'll remain focussed on travelling up on Sunday and see how brave I can be.

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