Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Ouch

So little time and so much has happened. But lets start with the big painful bit. It doesn't hurt now, but I am predicting it will hurt tomorrow after it has sunk in. Right now I'm tired and annoyed and still analysing what was said. So to the conversation...

Me: But you love me anyway right?
Him: Mmmaybe
Me: You already told me that you loved me.
Him: When?
Me: We were lying on the futon once when you visited, my husband was with his boyfriend and I asked you if you loved me and you said you did. You also said that I should tell my husband's boyfriend that you were silly for not doing anything.
Him: I don't remember that.
Me: Well, do you love me?
Him: Yes, but not the same way you love me. But you already knew that.

Did I already know that? I don't know. Maybe in my deepest subconscious I did. Maybe this is why nothing has happened. I suppose it could all go back to the fact that nothing has happened between us but affection and recently he has begun to withdraw, or I've begun to withdraw... I don't know.

I do know that I am confused and currently grumpy. What I want appears to be so far out of reach it may as well be on the moon. I don't know whether I should just give up or sit and wait patiently. I don't know what his true feelings are. He doesn't make enough sense.

He did keep the letter I wrote for him, and he initiated some affection, calling me a silly woman at the same time.

I went up there, apart from the whole work thing, with one objective in mind. I wanted to tell him, and I did, to stop telling me that I'm silly for a) falling in love with him and b) liking him. I told him that saying that hurts my feelings and its all wrong anyway because there is a lot to like in him. He said he'd think about it. Which is his way of avoiding the issue. I took him to task several times while I was visiting over it. I am NOT silly, unfortunate yes, silly no.

Tonight, with the help of an email from poetry.com, I was encouraged to write some sappy poetry. Don't blame me, blame the people at poetry.com.

Needing

I sit stunned
Your words barely penetrating
How could you say this to me?
I who have loved you for so long.

Slowly the world moves again
Pieces regaining form
My heart resumes its beat
Time flows
And perhaps the wounds will heal

Maybe I can wait longer
Can I wait for ever
Or will the constant yearning tear me apart?
You love me
But not as I love you

The week just gone has been a big one. I spent the first half of it depressed as I was missing him. Then I had a very grumpy day and suddenly got over it all. The fact that I was flying up to visit him again on the weekend probably had a lot to do with it.

On Thursday... um... nothing much happened. On Friday I had a massage and told my therapist about my week and my personal realisation that I need to be lot more honest to myself and others about how I feel. She was very impressed that I had come to this realisation and gave me a hug. We spoke about my almost other man and she said that I really needed to find another lover to distract myself... well that is what I thought she meant.

I came home, I was feeling a bit sick (I now have a cold) and randy. My husband told me that his boyfriend was coming around and I was a bit frustrated that I couldn't boff him (my husband). I thought about joining them and thought and thought. Eventually I decided that I would. I was very randy and eventually wandered in.

Lets just say that walking naked into a room where you are only 100% sure that ONE of the people in the room finds your naked form attractive/appealing/desirable and you don't have any idea about the other, is very very daunting. However, from the moment I was spotted, I was told that I was gorgeous, brave and beautiful. It was very affirming and gratifying. I did that solely for myself. I knew that the other two would be happy and pleased that I had done it, but I walked in there because I wanted to. I wasn't pressured or cajoled into walking into that room. I don't know if I will do it again.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

your trust in me has made me like myself again

10:54 pm  

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