And the walls came tumbling down
Last night, I spoke to my husband who had been having fun at the Bi-Vic meetup. He'd explained what had happened to me to a few friends who were aware of the situation. One of them told him that it was a learning experience for me, another sent lots of hugs.
A learning situation.... what on earth am I supposed to learn from this? Not to bother in the first place? Not to fall for straight men? I can't think of any other learning opportunities here... other than to be straight up at the beginning so that the potential for pain later is far lessened.
After I went to bed I entered the dark cave of despair. I felt that no one else was going to want me than James, and I feel guilty that this is not enough for me currently. I hurt that James is having fun with his two boys and his other girl... and I'm sitting on the side-lines not having any success. I'm tempted to give the whole thing away... my standards being what they are aren't going to let me have casual sex with someone, so.... why bother at all?
I wandered into his bedroom this morning, after telling myself that I would not because it is a pointless exercise. I needed hugs and comfort. I told him that I was sad, and he wanted to know why. I told him I was sad because I sucked. He wanted to know why I thought I sucked and I told him that it was long and complicated. He felt bad that he had made me sad. And although that is somewhat true, I wouldn't want him to change who he is or to be untrue to himself, so I'm not upset at him, just myself and the situation.
So I'm left with a dark, sad heart waiting for my husband's love at the end of the day when I fly home. There will be moments of light today, I won't be able to spend the entire day depressed, its not really in me, and he makes me smile and laugh.
A learning situation.... what on earth am I supposed to learn from this? Not to bother in the first place? Not to fall for straight men? I can't think of any other learning opportunities here... other than to be straight up at the beginning so that the potential for pain later is far lessened.
After I went to bed I entered the dark cave of despair. I felt that no one else was going to want me than James, and I feel guilty that this is not enough for me currently. I hurt that James is having fun with his two boys and his other girl... and I'm sitting on the side-lines not having any success. I'm tempted to give the whole thing away... my standards being what they are aren't going to let me have casual sex with someone, so.... why bother at all?
I wandered into his bedroom this morning, after telling myself that I would not because it is a pointless exercise. I needed hugs and comfort. I told him that I was sad, and he wanted to know why. I told him I was sad because I sucked. He wanted to know why I thought I sucked and I told him that it was long and complicated. He felt bad that he had made me sad. And although that is somewhat true, I wouldn't want him to change who he is or to be untrue to himself, so I'm not upset at him, just myself and the situation.
So I'm left with a dark, sad heart waiting for my husband's love at the end of the day when I fly home. There will be moments of light today, I won't be able to spend the entire day depressed, its not really in me, and he makes me smile and laugh.
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