Denial or conflicting messages?

Last night, when I came home, I was convinced that despite his protestations of monogamy, he was using that as a cover story. Now, I don't know whether that was denial on my behalf or an accurate reading of the situation. Lets review what happened...

I was sad and so snuggled with him in the morning because I needed comfort. He felt guilty that he had made me sad and so evidently decided to spend the rest of the day keeping me as happy as possible.

We played Scrabble and he won again, we snuggled on the couch and then went for a walk in Canberra Park. It was very very cold outside so after our walk around Canberra Park and enjoying the view from Mount Ainslie, we went and got some hot chocolate.

Then it was time to return to his house and think about me packing to return home. We had over an hour so we sat on his bed and chatted. I put my legs across his and he started snapping my shoe elastic. I warned him that if he continued that I would bite him. He continued so I ended up wrestling him to attempt to bite him. He kinda won the first round by pinning me to the bed and he spanked me. I then wriggled out from that and continued wrestling. In the end I had to straddle him and pin one of his arms down, tickle him into submission before I nipped his arm. He attempted to lift me off him, so I crawled off and we regained our composure.

He sat on the end of the bed and I lay down with my head in his lap. He started massaging my scalp and stroking my hair.

He suggested that I should do a little dance when I get home for winning in wrestling against him. I told him that I didn't need to do that, but if I had actually had sex with him then I would do a little dance. He said that I wouldn't be dancing I would instead be performing King Saul's death march (I think that's the phrase he used). Then in what seemed to be an afterthought he said that it wouldn't ever happen.

I went off to pack my belongings and then we went to the airport. We got there very early and sat and chatted while waiting for my plane. He apologised for being difficult in this situation and I told him that IF he ever changed his mind then he just needed to let me know.

We snuggled and then I borded my plane. The whole journey back, while reading "The Ethnical Slut" I kept thinking that he lied about being monogamous and that he was using that as an excuse. Today I'm not so sure.

Today I think that he is probably monogamous, but as my husband says in love with me and loves to touch me.

So I guess I'll just sit here by the side-lines, continue to flirt and get under his skin until he can't resist me. He told me that he has boundaries that we can't cross, but I didn't ask what they were... I should ask next time so I can test them... but that's evil.

Personally I think he's terrified of pain. There needs to be no pain here. With constant open communication channels and consideration and care there need be no pain. This relationship can grow and diminish as it needs to over time and we don't need harsh words, recriminations or jealousy.

If he later finds someone that he wishes to spend the rest of his life with, then I will be mature enough to let him go to enjoy his happiness. I don't have to stop loving him and I don't have to stop being his friend.

We can do this, but now the ball is firmly in his court.