Damn confusion
From my husband:
===
I'm an idiot.
I said some things I think needed to be said, but did so clumsily and stupidly and achieved nothing but making you angry with me.
I'm sorry.
===
From the other man:
===
That's ok, I just want the both of you to accept, even if you can't understand, that this isn't something I'm going to be changing my mind about, or indeed something I took lightly while coming to my decision. Everyone has their own little guides they run their lives by and mine quite definitely stop before either yours or Bec's.
===
Initially I thought that this reply was positive. He had thought about it and the decision he took wasn't something he took lightly, so I wasn't rejected out of hand, or without any forthought.
He read my letter, and it was cool. Then later in the day when we were emailing each other backwards and forwards at work, I mentioned that he was an upstanding and righteous person for standing by his beliefs and that was cool. He replied that maybe he was just bloody minded... which is also true really. He is one of the most stubborn people I know.
So, do I walk away, never expecting that this will work? Stay and hurt at times and wait for as long as it takes?
I know I've waited and waited already. Its been almost two and a half years since I realised that I'd fallen in love with him. This year however has been the most painful of that. I hate this feeling of rejection.... especially as I have brought it on myself. The knife cuts that little bit deeper each time, and I don't know how long I will be able to stand the pain.
I want him to change, but that is a decision he has to come to. He knows that I love him, knows that I am NOT offering him anything casual, but an opportunity to share in my life - with the depth and committment open to negotiation. Perhaps one day he may be ready for that and will take me up on my offer.
I just hope that I am around to see it.
===
I'm an idiot.
I said some things I think needed to be said, but did so clumsily and stupidly and achieved nothing but making you angry with me.
I'm sorry.
===
From the other man:
===
That's ok, I just want the both of you to accept, even if you can't understand, that this isn't something I'm going to be changing my mind about, or indeed something I took lightly while coming to my decision. Everyone has their own little guides they run their lives by and mine quite definitely stop before either yours or Bec's.
===
Initially I thought that this reply was positive. He had thought about it and the decision he took wasn't something he took lightly, so I wasn't rejected out of hand, or without any forthought.
He read my letter, and it was cool. Then later in the day when we were emailing each other backwards and forwards at work, I mentioned that he was an upstanding and righteous person for standing by his beliefs and that was cool. He replied that maybe he was just bloody minded... which is also true really. He is one of the most stubborn people I know.
So, do I walk away, never expecting that this will work? Stay and hurt at times and wait for as long as it takes?
I know I've waited and waited already. Its been almost two and a half years since I realised that I'd fallen in love with him. This year however has been the most painful of that. I hate this feeling of rejection.... especially as I have brought it on myself. The knife cuts that little bit deeper each time, and I don't know how long I will be able to stand the pain.
I want him to change, but that is a decision he has to come to. He knows that I love him, knows that I am NOT offering him anything casual, but an opportunity to share in my life - with the depth and committment open to negotiation. Perhaps one day he may be ready for that and will take me up on my offer.
I just hope that I am around to see it.
1 Comments:
Hi Bec,
Many big hugs for you. I've been reading your blogg for awhile but haven't felt comfortable about posting.
I'm finding myself in a similar postion, I'm in love with a guy and have been for as long as I've known him. He's gay, never slept with a girl ever, so there's no hope for me.
Even his boyfriend thinks we should sleep together and has told me this in front of him on a number of occasions. We have such a strong connection and he tells me he loves me too.
I just hang in there and wait, fortunately the hurting has stopped mostly and I no longer feel anxious if I don't see him every week. I certainly haven't given up but I've stopped torturing my self with possibilities.
Once again big hugs, Annie.
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