Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Transparency

Well... welcome to the new year. May 2005 sort the whole mess of my existance out.

He visited again after Christmas and has just left. He spent a week with us, and it was fun. Though I don't know what I am doing precisely. My husband has been encouraging me to ask him to sleep with me... or something similar. Even just to say that I want to sleep with him. Both of which are hard for me. I'm shy, I know I have to make the first move, but am unsure of whether or not that would be welcome. I'm terrified that our friendship could be ruined by my actions and I don't want that either.

So I had planned to say "I really, really like you. I'm interested in boffing you. I understand that you may not wish the added complications that this brings or you may not be interested. That is cool. I just wanted it out in the open."

Given that I have strong feelings for the guy, I couldn't actually bring myself to say that... I thought it was a bit too clinical and cold. I chickened out, with visions of him going very cold on me or being upset.

So this morning I thought that I'd say "I have a confession to make. I want you. I understand that you may not reciprocate that, and that's cool".

Again, I couldn't do it. Instead I said that I had a dilemma. He told me I didn't and said I had "him" (my husband) while pointing in the direction of my bedroom as my husband was still asleep.

So at least I know that he knows that I want him and have feelings for him. Now all I have to do is tell him that my husband doesn't mind if I sleep with him and neither do I... even though he may. My husband, after the other man left, said that maybe my problem is that I haven't figured out exactly what I want from the other man. And I think he's right on that one.

My husband doesn't know that I love the other man as well as him. I know I should tell him, but I don't know how to break that ice either. And maybe I should tell the other man before I tell my husband. Though if this morning is anything to go by he probably has that figured out as well. Its not like I try and hide it. I massage him, kiss his forehead or cheek, hold his hand when we are walking places, snuggle with him and generally play the part of a love-sick teenager. He reciprocates though, which indicates, I hope, that he has feelings for me too.

So I don't know what to do next. I'll see him again in February for my birthday... and then probably for Easter... or there abouts.

I enjoy having him around and flirting with him. My husband was very well behaved and kept his distace, and didn't react when he saw us snuggling, which I think made the other guy relax a bit.

We attempted, and failed to hold a LAN party while he was here. As my sister was here I told him that I'd have to behave or she'd reach the wrong/correct conclusion which could cause problems. He still sought me out to make sure that I was ok during the night while there were problems and rubbed my back and gave me some hugs.

I don't know if I am reading too much into all of this. I'll just have to go on gut instict.

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