And then sometimes I am confused...

Him:
I always doormat like. I rarely say no, you know that

Me:
you don't say no if there is little impact on you. If it would make you unhappy or you really don't want to do it then you say no.

Him:
nope, not always

Me:
well you have to me, for which I am impressed

Him:
is not so impressive

Me:
is impressive. You were tempted to say yes, and you didn't

Him:
maybe i just evil.

Me:
how does that be evil?

Him:
because

Me:
because I got upset or because or some other reason?

Him:
um. i don't know

Me:
you stayed true to yourself, this is a good thing

Him:
perhaps

Me:
you're welcome to change your mind :P

Him:
*rolls eyes*

Me:
well you are... but I warn you now, if you do we'll talk it all out so I'm satisfied that its what you _really_ want and that we have a good understanding of what is on offer from both sides.

Him:
argh! deep and meaningful talkings! *runs away*

Me:
I suspected your reply would be something like that.

But is only fair

Him:
:P indeed

Good honesty I wasn't expecting

I was chatting with my other partner about this man and how I continue to play with him and tease him. He was worried that the relationship was unhealthy more for the other man than for me so I sent the other man an email.

My other partner is worried that your and my relationship is unhealthy. I don't want to hurt you and make you sad. I trust you to tell me if I ever overstep any boundary of yours (even if you realise it later). I don't want you to let me push you places you don't want to go.

I play with you because you let me. I play with you when I'm in a playful mood and you appear receptive. If you don't appear to want to play, I don't play. If I don't want to play, I don't play. If you want the game to stop, say so

I got the following reply from the other man.

I am not sad. I don't mind the playing but I am not able to make out relationship into one like you currently have with your other partner *hugs* I am not poly. Perhaps one day that will change, but where I am now I've never had any desire to be that way. And if I was to join in with you lot right now it wouldn't be because its what I want, it'd be to keep you happy, and that wouldn't be healthy at all.

SO I don't mind the playing, but it definitely has a limit which at this point in time I am not going to cross.

So I told him

Thankyou for your honesty with me.

I don't want you to do anything that you would be uncomfortable with and that you consider unhealthy.

I'm not going to push you into doing something you think might make me happy, I'm not going to expect or ask you to do anything I feel you are uncomfortable with. Your happiness is important to me. Your friendship is important to me. Both of these things are more important to me than any potential other relationship that we might possibly have (especially if that relationship is something you don't want or need).

He was worried that he had upset me by telling me this, but I really have moved on. It is the most he's said about this and it shows me that he has thought about it, and I can't ask for much more than that.

Something unexpected

I was chatting with him today... we discussed whether or not he understood me and he said he did and didn't. I asked for clarification and he told me that he understands that I am poly and why I am attracted to poly relationships (to some extent) but the concept is still alien to him. We briefly talked about how he is not psychologically setup for poly relationships and then left it at that.

Later in the day I decided that I was in a space where I could ask him a question that I'd never asked before. The email conversation went as follows:

Me: I'm going to ask a question, and you are free to either tell me you aren't going to answer it, or to answer it honestly. If I was single, would we have gotten together?

Him: If I thought I was a match for you and capable of maintaining your interest, probably yes

Me: *ponder* An interesting and unexpected response. Thanks for being honest with me. Though I am intrigued by the "capable of maintaining [my] interest". I never realised that I came across as fickle

Him: Not fickle, not what I meant. You're more complex and challenging than I am. Regardless, you are better off with your other man and your husband, they are both far better than I am/could be.

Me: That's your low self-esteem talking there sweetheart. I did fall in love with you remember. I don't think that anyone is "far better" than you are/could be.... apart from their polyness, my men are both flawed and damaged human beings (as most of us are). No one is perfect and I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I do agree that I am complex... and I know I am challenging, and that I challenge people with my world views/understandings/thoughts. And all of this would make me relatively high maintenance I guess.... though I don't know... my husband says I'm not, and my other man hasn't indicated that I am. I guess I'm intense, like my two men currently. Intense isn't bad, just different.

An interesting conversation I'm sure you will agree. It may continue tomorrow, it may not. But as I was saying to my husband, it isn't going anywhere... He may be jealous of what I currently have, but he had the opportunity and I'm sorry he isn't psychologically built for my lifestyle, but there isn't anything I can do about that.

Jealousy

He told me yesterday that he's been down because he's jealous of people in love, married, couples, threes, polys and everything else, as he is never likely to be anything other than single.

Several thoughts passed through my head with these words:

1. He had an opportunity - which has now passed - to be in love and in a relationship with me;
2. I can't do anything about this and I don't want to; and
   
3. I hate it when my friends are sad and I can't do anything about it.

I was surprised to realise that if he asked me to get together with him that I would now turn him down. Part of this is that I now have a new love interest... but the other part is the amount of hurt that I suffered last year. I don't want a repeat of that, and if there are no deep and meaningful coversations about the truth of the matter, then I don't want to go here.

I haven't stopped loving him, but I think the love has changed somewhat and the need vanished entirely. I had a year to sort that out... it didn't work and so I have finally moved on.

Mixed messages and moving on

The almost other man came down last weekend to househunt now that he is moving down to Melbourne. He is going to share an apartment with a friend of mine.

Anyway, before he came down he was expressing concern about moving. I explained that he was moving to a city where he had more friends and would be able to be himself. He told me that he was mainly moving to Melbourne because I'd asked him too... He didn't need to tell me that.

He was somewhat withdrawn during his visit... he was tired, stressed about moving and not in the mood for the cocktail party we threw for my and my husband's birthday. So he was not in the mood to deal with large numbers of people.

My new man came along to the party and they both got to meet each other. I was worried that my new and former man wouldn't get along... or that the former one would feel threatened/jealous. They seemed to get along ok and apart from the former man being withdrawn all weekend - things went very well.

I was surprised to find that the power imbalance in the relationship has disappeared. I am also distracted by my new man, and that may have some part to play as well. I think I've moved on. I think I've finally accepted that this relationship is not going to be more than it currently is, and am happy with that for the moment.

Only time will tell of course what my true feelings are. The blush of new love buries many old emotions. I have a shiney new toy to play with.

And the time is now...

So I have, in effect, moved on. I have found a new man to distract me from the pain that this one has caused and I hope that my days of suffering - caused by myself - are over.

However, this morning (at 4:30am Christmas Island time) I got a SMS from him telling me that he's been offered the Detention Centre management position. I've spoken to him since and I think he's going to take the position.

So, I am curious to see how my heart handles this. Of course, it is entirely possible that now he's closer he may want to do something about the relationship that I've offered. The rules have changed now, and if he does want something, it won't be the same as what I offered him before. It will be interesting at least.

An overdue update...

Its been a while since I last posted... and things have and have not happened. I'll start with the most recent and work backwards. Not entirely logical, but easier for me to undertake.

The other man, or almost other man as I've started naming him, came down for New Years Eve. The visit was relatively uneventful... it was ridiculously hot for NYE and this subsequent weather change was very welcome. Generally we hung out together, I took him sightseeing in Melbourne and just spent time together.

During his visit I felt periods of sadness and frustration. Sadness that my love appears to be unrequited and frustration that a man I find to be gorgeous and sexy is unattainable. I also discovered that I still love him. Though since I have taken my power back, I don't feel tortured or in as much pain as I previously put myself through. So although somewhat melancholy, the visit was fun and I don't think I'm going to mourn his return to Canberra as I have previously. As my husband said this morning, love is not a light switch you can turn on and off at will.

It is currently looking as if he will be moving from Canberra to Melbourne in the near future, which will be an interesting experience for us both. I feel, and I could be completely wrong, that he doesn't like leaving and saying goodbye. I know I don't, but he is sometimes so hard to read that I work on instinct and impressions... subtext can easily be misread.

So in summary, I still love him, I still want him, and he hasn't shifted from his position. I've put boundaries around my behaviour so that I remain safe.

And in other news... A guy at work has been flirting with me... well I think he's been flirting with me, possibly flirting with intent. So I dropped a few hints about my lifestyle and we arranged to catch up while we were on holidays. We had lunch last week and it was fun. I filled him in on all the little details and he volunteered to keep it a secret. We ate, chatted and walked around Brunswick. We kinda agreed to catch up this week and so I am yet to see what happens. I've just SMSed him...

My problem here is that I don't know whether or not I am interested in him. It is flattering that he might be interested in me, but he isn't the type of bloke I would normally pursue. Maybe broadening my horizons would be a good thing. I'll see what the journey is like and go from there I guess.